


Celebrating a Stolen Heart is a Sordid Affair

by searider_Falcon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Secret Sex, Sneaking Around, let them suffer a little, this is like so many other of my stories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 06:12:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 41,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18585406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searider_Falcon/pseuds/searider_Falcon
Summary: Janeway and Chakotay are trying to deal with being home, how life is changed, and their undeniable attraction to one another.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is so much like my others stories and my self confidence as a writer is shot right now but I'm posting anyway! This started off super short and turned into 70 pages. So enjoy! 
> 
> Also - if you have access to the song "The Captain from 'Year of Hell Parts 1&2'" from the Voyager soundtrack - I wrote the last chapter to that song on repeat and it adds a nice layer.

Voyager returned to Earth. For Kathryn Janeway, it was a bittersweet moment. When she saw Earth on the viewscreen, she felt a deep tightness in her chest. The emotions Kathryn felt as Voyager docked at the Utopia Planetia couldn’t be classified. The jubilation of the crew was so palpable that if Kathryn didn’t feel so confused over her own emotions, she would have joined in on their celebrations on the holodecks and mess hall. The revelations provided by her older self, made Kathryn feel spun about in a whirlwind of subspace turbluents. Chakotay would marry Seven. The thought made her homecoming so distasteful and Kathryn found all of sudden, her vision of life after the Delta quadrant was dramatically different. At first, her goal was the return to her family and Mark. Then Mark moved on and Kathryn’s interest began to change, only to be thrown back into her face. A tiny part of her, thought that Admiral Janeway, her older self, came back to prevent the events of her timeline. To prevent Chakotay and Seven’s relationship. Kathryn felt terrible about the extreme disappointment and jealousy she felt when she found out about Chakotay’s relationship. She felt as if it was a betrayal and her disappointment in Chakotay turned into the greatest distance between them they had ever experienced in the friendship. 

Kathryn admitted that over the last year of the travels, she and Chakotay did seem to have trouble connecting. Kathryn suspected he was angry that she developed feelings for Jaffen while she was brainwashed on an alien planet. They never spoke about it and they probably should have. Instead the unspoken factors of their relationship festered like infected wound and forced a wedge between them. The week following Voyager’s return kept her busy and Kathryn’s thoughts went to personal to focused on work. She and Chakotay didn’t see much of each other. The senior officers had separate debriefings, each one sitting in front of a panel of admirals and Starfleet captains. Kathryn caught a glance of Chakotay as they walked through the Utopia Planetia starbase. Their eyes met briefly from across the corridor, Chakotay looked as if he wanted to speak with her but after a moment, he walked one way and she walked the other. Kathryn’s heart ached in that moment. What happened between them? Her thoughts dwelled on Chakotay as she entered her debriefing. As she sat down in front of the panel, Kathryn had to force her mind to focus on the present, not how her heart seemed to break at the thought of Chakotay with another woman. 

The debriefing lasted longer than she expected. The panel was critical of her decisions, proud of her convictions, and amazed by the low casualty rate she experienced. All in all, the panel was impressed, a little too impressed, in Kathryn’s opinion. It wasn’t until early evening before the panel released Kathryn for the day and she left the room as if in a daze. There were two more days of debriefings for her and it brought up a surprising amount of self-doubt. Kathryn didn’t expect that and didn’t expect her melancholy mood to affect her as much as it did. Kathryn walked out of the debriefing room and moved down the corridor in a haze. She was in a turbolift, making her way back to the transporter room to return to Voyager, before she realized what happened. It took a moment before she realized that she was in the lift with someone else. 

Kathryn looked up and saw Chakotay watching her from the other side of the lift. They stared at each other for a moment. Chakotay looked just as surprised to see her as she was to see him. It felt as if time stopped for her. The moment was frozen, with Chakotay leaning against the back of the lift and Kathryn standing just inside the turbolift doors. Chakotay pushed away from the wall, an unreadable expression on his face. She admired his handsome face for only a moment before she turned away and faced the doors. She ordered for the lift to take her to the transporter room. Kathryn tried to fight the urge to look back at Chakotay. She began to turn her head to the side but stopped herself. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Chakotay open and close his mouth as if he wanted to say something, stop himself, then lean back against the wall. They rode the lift in silence, walked the corridor to the transporter room in silence and when they beamed over to Voyager, Kathryn left Chakotay standing in the transporter room, in silence. She felt his eyes watching her leave and it felt as if his gaze had burned into her skin. The tension between them was unbearable. 

She craved time with Chakotay but on the other hand, dreaded to speak with him for fear that he would bring up his relationship with Seven. Chakotay had yet to tell her about his relationship and that felt as if it was the first nail in the coffin. Their friendship seemed to have begun a slow death. The moment that had just passed felt as if they were letting it die. Kathryn returned to her quarters, exhausted from the debriefing and the emotional confusion that cropped up that day. It felt as if the last few days had beaten her down. How was she supposed to last through two more days of debriefing?  
Kathryn called her mother. She couldn’t think of what else to do. Sitting on her couch in the quarters, his desktop monitor on the coffee table, Kathryn waited mere seconds before her mother’s face appeared on the screen. The moment Kathryn saw her, she burst into tears. Her mother listened to Kathryn’s almost incoherent grievances with her first officer (although Kathryn left out the bit that he was dating Seven), tried to console Kathryn as she sobbed about how much she missed Earth and her family, and offered advice when Kathryn said the stress of everything was too much.  
It took some time before Gretchen Janeway could calm her daughter down. Kathryn felt better. After seven years of keeping her emotions in check, in being a leader, a mother figure, and anything else the crew needed, it was a relief to be able to express how she felt about things. Her mother was the perfect sounding board and once she started, it was as if a flood gate was opened. 

“And this panel completing my debriefing - they don’t understand what it’s like. What it was like out there all alone. We were the only Starfleet vessel. No one understands, except maybe Chakotay-” said Kathryn but she stopped abruptly. She didn’t want to talk more about Chakotay but he kept creeping into her conversation. First, it was him not speaking to her, that they weren’t friends anymore, and now he came up again. Kathryn brushed tears away from her face. 

“Listen to me, I sound like child claiming life isn’t fair. I’m well aware that life isn’t fair,” said Kathryn. 

“It’s alright, sweetheart. You’ve been through so much, you’re allowed to express how you feel. You’re right, no one in Starfleet will know what you’re experience was like but your first officer does. He may be in the only person in the universe who knows almost exactly how you feel. Why don’t you talk to him?” coaxed Gretchen. 

“It’s...complicated, Mom,” said Kathryn. 

Kathryn took a deep breath as she watched her mother raise an eyebrow but say no more on the subject. Kathryn was grateful. 

“Will we see you at the Welcome Home celebration?”

“The what?” 

“Welcome Home Celebration,” said Gretchen, “Starfleet’s putting on a party at Starfleet Headquarters. They didn’t tell you?”

“Maybe they’re waiting for the debriefings to be over? I have two more days,” said Kathryn. 

“Well, they’ve told the families. Maybe they mean it to be a surprise of sorts?” said Gretchen thoughtfully, “Will you go?”

“I guess I’ll be expected to,” said Kathryn. 

“I’m sure your crew’s families will want to thank you for bringing their loved ones home,” said Gretchen. 

“And those who loved the crew members who died along the way?” wondered Kathryn. 

“That comes with the territory of Starfleet,” replied Gretchen. 

“And some of those crew members weren’t Starfleet. They were Maquis…”

“Who lived a far more dangerous life than you or I. Their families will understand. At least, those that are left will understand. Did you hear that most of the Maquis were killed by the Dominion and Cardassians?” 

“What?” said Kathryn, “No...Chakotay never said…”

“Well, I’m sure Starfleet will fill you in on the details, but in my opinion, it’s a terrible tragedy,” said Gretchen. 

Kathryn fell silent. She wondered if Chakotay received word about his fellow Maquis. She was sure he would have. Why didn’t he tell her? Was their friendship really that broken? If their stoney interaction today in the turbolift was any indication, then yes, it was. 

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” said Gretchen. 

“I’m fine,” said Kathryn automatically. 

“I think your sister is planning on attending the celebration, so you two will be able to catch up. I know she’s missed you terribly,” said Gretchen. 

“I missed her too. Both of you.” 

“I’ll see you soon. Okay?” said Gretchen. 

“Yes, I promise, I’ll go to the celebration,” said Kathryn. 

“Good. I love you sweetheart.” 

“I love you too Mom.” 

Gretchen signed off and Kathryn leaned back against the couch cushions, her hands covering her face as she allowed her head to rest on the top of back cushions. She sighed heavily. A few more days. She just had to survive two more days and she would be able to seek the refuge of her family or simply, being alone for a while. With that thought, Kathryn was able to power through the debriefings, leaving with a sense that many from Starfleet were beginning to hero worship her. The last thing Kathryn wanted was to have the kind of following Jim Kirk had, although, having a distinguished Starfleet career was her life’s work. The night of Welcome Home Celebration, Kathryn was finally getting ready to leave Voyager. Most of her things had already been transported to temporary quarters that Starfleet provided to the majority of the Voyager crew. Her remaining things would be beamed to her assigned room after she left for the party. Kathryn tried to talk herself out of attending several times but she promised her mother.  
Then, her door chime rang.  
Surprised that someone besides the skeleton crew Starfleet sent up, was still on board, Kathryn turned to the door a little confused. 

“Come in,” said Kathryn. 

Her sister, Phoebe, appeared in the doorway. 

“Hello!” said Phoebe excitedly and she rushed forward and hugged her sister. 

“Phoebe!” Kathryn said surprised, “What are you doing here? How did you get here?”

“Mom told me of your many problems and how stressed out you were, so I thought, I’d be your date for the party,” said Phoebe

“But how did you get on board?” 

“I told one of the young transporter technicians I was the captain's sister and I was supposed to escort her to the party. It was easy, he beamed me up here with a smile,” said Phoebe.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. Her sister was a character. 

“So...how are you?” asked Phoebe, eyeing Kathryn in her familiar challenging stare. 

Kathryn didn’t realize how much she missed that, how much she missed talking with her sister. It wasn’t as if she had many people to talk to while in the Delta quadrant. Chakotay was the only...Kathryn froze. Thinking of Chakotay hurt. 

“Far away, apparently,” said Phoebe. 

“I’m sorry, Phoebe, I just...it’s just so...there’s so much happening right now,” said Kathryn. 

“Of course there is,” said Phoebe, picking up one of dresses that Kathryn had set aside on her bed, “Are you planning on wearing this one?” and she held up an old blue dress that Kathryn had. It was one she wore on New Earth and hadn’t worn since. The memory hit her so strongly that Kathryn snatched the dress from Phoebe’s hands and stuffed it into a duffel bag. She didn’t want to be reminded of New Earth right now. 

“No,” said Kathryn, “I’m not sure what I’m wearing.” 

Kathryn smoothed the fabric of the blue dress, as if its seams held the memories she kept under lock and key in her heart. Then the moment passed and Kathryn piled other pieces of clothing over the blue dress and zipped up the bag. 

“Well, let me pick something out,” said Phoebe and she bounced away to the replicator. 

Kathryn almost stopped her, but realized there was no reason to conserve energy anymore. No more need for replicator rations. Phoebe glanced over her shoulder to look at Kathryn with a wicked grin before replicating a dress. With a whirl and a hum, the replicator produced the garment and Phoebe grabbed it. She turned to face Kathryn. 

“Oh no,” said Kathryn as Phoebe held the dress up. 

“Oh yes,” said Phoebe with her wicked grin.


	2. Chapter 2

The Welcome Home Celebration was supposed to be a celebration, Kathryn knew that. There was champagne, dancing, even a live band, but Kathryn didn’t feel like celebrating. It was ridiculous, she thought. They defeated the Borg, yet again, travelled God knows how many light years and ended up home, thanks to her future self. She should be happy. However happy wasn’t what she felt over the past few days. Relieved was the word for how she felt when they initially made it to the Alpha quadrant. Tired was how she felt during the debriefing, but now, as she stood at the entrance of the ballroom for the welcome home celebration, she felt sad, defeated, and ever so alone. She entered the ballroom with Phoebe, clutching her sister’s arm as if she were a lifeline. 

“There’s Mom,” said Phoebe, and she pointed to her mother, standing next to Admiral Owen Paris. 

Kathryn’s gaze didn’t linger on her mother, instead she searched the room.

Everyone was dressed to the nines. Dress uniforms and dresses of every color. The dress Phoebe had replicated for her was a silky midnight blue dress with a plunging neckline and bare back. Phoebe said she picked it because she wanted Kathryn to attract attention, specifically Chakotay’s attention. After her first rejection of the dress and after Phoebe reassurance, Kathryn relented and when she put on the dress, she actually felt good for a moment. But now, Kathryn felt foolish. She and Phoebe spent extra time styling her hair with soft curls and pining it up and it felt all for naught because Chakotay was here with Seven of Nine. Her heart sank to her stomach. It hurt to see them together. Did she really think he’d be interested in her when a woman like Seven clung to him? Her future self warned her that Chakotay would marry Seven. It blindsided her at first but now it hurt more than she realized. She only had herself to blame. Upon reflection, Kathryn realized that Chakotay made his feelings clear on several occasions and she had pushed him away, citing policy or defining parameters. Clearly, he had moved on and that hurt Kathryn deeply. She saw Chakotay look toward the entrance when the Doctor pointed her out. She refused to make eye contact with him. She couldn’t look him in the eye, not now, not when her pain was so close to the surface. She straightened her shoulders and put on her Captain’s mask as best she could, and hid her hurt behind her smile. Pretending to be happy for the sake of the crew. 

“Let’s go find Mom,” said Kathryn and deliberately directed her sister away from the direction of Chakotay. 

“Wasn’t that your first officer?” said Phoebe. 

Kathryn ignored her sister and beelined for her mother. Intent on seeing as little as her first officer as possible this evening. When she reached her mother’s side. Kathryn hugged her tightly. 

“You look wonderful, sweetheart,” said Gretchen. 

“Thanks, Mom,” said Kathryn. 

“Kathryn, welcome home,” said Admiral Paris. 

“Thank you Admiral,” said Kathryn. 

“I think I owe you a drink sometime when you can tell me all about your adventure, but I’m afraid I’ll be occupied with my new granddaughter and daughter in-law for a while,” said Admiral Paris proudly. 

“Miral is adorable,” agreed Kathryn, “I don’t blame you. Speaking of Miral, where are her parents? I’d like to find them and make my rounds through the crew.” 

Kathryn glanced back into the crowd. In the short amount time Kathryn spent speaking with Admiral Paris and her mother, the ballroom began to fill. Soon, it was packed with Voyager crew members and their families. As Kathryn looked about the room, she saw Mike Ayala being reunited with his sons, who were teenagers now. Joe Carey’s wife was surrounded by Voyager’s engineering team and their families, all telling stories about her late husband. And sitting at a table was Chakotay. Seven and the Doctor sat next to him. He didn’t seem particularly happy. They made eye contact from across the room. He didn’t smile at her and Kathryn didn’t let her gaze linger. She quickly found Harry Kim and joined him at a table with Tom Paris and his wife, B’Elanna Torres. 

“Isn’t this great, Captain?” Harry said. 

He was grinning from ear to ear. In fact, Kathryn was certain he hadn’t stopped smiling ever since Earth appeared on the view screen on Voyager weeks ago. He was looking around at all the ambassadors, admirals, family, and friends who attended their celebration. Starfleet pulled out all the stops and decorated the ballroom elaborately. 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” Kathryn said. 

“Captain, you look stunning,” Tom said. 

“Thank you, Tom,” she said. 

“I love that dress,” B’Elanna said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear anything like that.” 

“It’s a special occasion,” Kathryn said. 

“Well, you’ll certainly turn heads in that,” Tom said, “Hoping to impress someone special?”

Kathryn smiled politely but didn’t say anything. She looked to the dance floor to try to hide the pained expression on her face.  
B’Elanna elbowed Tom in the ribs. 

“Ow, what was that for?” Tom said. 

“Shut up,” B’Elanna said and shifted their daughter, Miral, to her other arm. 

Kathryn pretended to ignore their exchange and looked around the room, desperately avoiding looking in Chakotay’s direction. 

“Would anyone like a drink?” Tom offered. He gathered everyone’s order and hurried off to the drink table. 

“It feels good to be home, doesn’t it?” Harry said. 

“I’m glad we made it, but I’m not sure I’m ready for all these changes at once,” B’Elanna said, “ I was just getting used to the idea of raising my daughter aboard Voyager.”

“Sure, but think of it this way, you’ll be offered any engine room in the fleet,” Harry said. 

Kathryn stopped listening to their conversation. Tom brought their drinks and Kathryn eagerly accepted her champagne. Drinking the entire glass quickly. Noticing his Captain’s withdrawn behavior, Tom offered a dance. Grateful for the distraction, Kathryn accepted. 

“I’m sorry if what I said upset you earlier,” Tom said as they began to dance to a slow song. 

“Oh, I’m fine,” Kathryn said. 

Tom looked skeptical. 

“We’ve known each other for years. I’d like to think we’re friends. I can tell when something is bothering you,” he said. 

“It’s really nothing, Tom,” Kathryn said. She didn’t sound convincing to her own ears and Tom pushed further. 

“It’s Chakotay, isn’t it?” 

Kathryn was taken aback by the question and looked at Tom in surprise. 

“Don’t worry, Captain, you hide your feelings well. I don’t think anyone else noticed how you feel about him,” Tom said.  
Kathryn shook her head, looking away from Tom. 

“It must be hard, seeing him with Seven,” Tom said. She shot him a look, afraid he was mocking her but the sincerity and concern on his face showed how much the young man had grown during their time on Voyager. 

“If it’s any consolation, he’s an idiot,” Tom said. 

Kathryn smiled faintly and placed a hand on his cheek. 

“No, Tom, I’m the idiot,” She said, letting her hand fall back to his shoulder. 

Tom tilted his head in confusion. He turned them around and danced further to the back of the room. 

“Well, no matter who's the idiot,” he said, “Chakotay hasn’t taken his eyes off you since you entered the room.” 

Kathryn gasped quietly and couldn’t resist seeking Chakotay out from the dance floor. He was dancing with Seven but holding her rather stiffly. Chakotay was staring at her from across the room. They made eye contact and Kathryn couldn’t read his expression. He looked angry, but she wasn’t sure. His gaze was fierce and it sent a spark through her and caused her breath to hitch. She quickly returned her attention back to Tom. 

“If I were you, I’d go for it,” Tom whispered. 

Kathryn almost laughed out loud. Compared to Seven, she didn’t stand a chance. 

“Seven’s a wonderful young woman…” Kathryn started but Tom cut her off. 

“To hell with Seven. Look, you and Chakotay share something special. Everyone noticed it from the beginning. Hell, we took bets on it.”

Kathryn raised her eyebrow at him, but not at all surprised at his admission. She’d heard the rumors circulating around the ship. 

“All I’m saying is that if you care that much, then you need to fight for it. That’s something I’ve learned with B’Elanna,” Tom said. 

Before Kathryn could respond, the song ended. Tom offered his arm to walk her back to the table but Kathryn refused. 

“I’m going to get another drink,” she said to Tom. 

Tom nodded and left the dance floor. 

Kathryn dashed for the bar, clinging to the counter as she asked the bartender for another glass of champagne. She drank it quickly, feeling the need for a little liquid courage to help her get through the night. She jumped when she heard a familiar voice come up behind her. 

“Good evening, Kathryn,” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn couldn’t stop her heart from beating wildly in her chest at the sight of him. She had always found him handsome, but felt he looked even better in his dress uniform. It had been so long since she heard his voice and the tension she felt in the turbolift, days before was back between them. It was in his intense gaze. His eyes locked with hers and Kathryn felt as if there was more to his stare than she dared hope. She shook her head in dismissal of the thought. 

“Evening,” She said, raising her empty glass in greeting. 

Avoiding looking at him, she looked back to the dance floor. Seven was now dancing with the Doctor. Kathryn avoided Chakotay’s eyes at all costs, unsure of what she would say or do if she looked into his beautiful dark eyes. 

“You look gorgeous tonight,” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn felt her heart flutter at the compliment but she wheeled around to face him. 

“You shouldn’t say things like that to me,” she said and immediately regretted it. His look of hurt passed quickly. He set his jaw and Kathryn’s couldn’t mistake that expression, he was angry. 

“But Tom Paris can,” Chakotay said quickly. There was an edge to his voice, he couldn’t hide his anger and he gripped his drink tightly in his hand. His knuckles white. 

“Tom’s married,” Kathryn said, dismissively. 

“So,” Chakotay said. 

“It’s different.”

“How so?”

Kathryn sighed.

“Because I don’t have any feelings for Tom,” Kathryn said before she could stop herself. She hoped that he didn’t hear her. 

Chakotay opened and closed his mouth, unable to say anything. Kathryn took that opportunity to make her escape. She weaved through the crowd, desperately needing to leave the ballroom. She burst into the corridor and leaned against the wall by the door.  
How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let slip her feelings like that? This night was not going the way she planned. Welcome home, Kathryn, she thought to herself bitterly. She sighed and couldn’t stop the tears that started to fall down her cheeks. She didn’t realize how much she loved her former first officer until it was too late. Wasn’t it Jaffen who told her to find happiness and hold on to it? But what if her source of happiness didn’t want her. She felt miserable. She looked up to the ceiling, wishing more than anything that she didn’t have to go back into the ballroom. 

She didn’t hear Chakotay approach her. 

“You can’t just say that, then disappear,” he said angrily. He stormed over to her. She looked away, wiping away the tears, determined not to let him see how hurt she was. He had no right to be angry. He chose Seven. 

“The hell I can,” she said and walked down the corridor, away from the ballroom, away from him. 

“Don’t walk away from me Kathryn,” Chakotay said, following her, his voice dangerous. 

Like you walked away from me, Kathryn thought then she silently chastised herself. Was she really going to be this way? Bitter just like Admiral Janeway, the future version of herself. Was this how it started? 

Kathryn found an abandoned conference room and slipped inside. Chakotay followed close behind. She turned to him, arms folded across her chest, eyes blazing, like she was staring down the Borg queen - ready for the fight. 

“What did you mean earlier?” Chakotay demanded. 

“I meant exactly what I said, I don’t have any feelings for Tom Paris,” she said smugly. 

“But you have feelings for me?” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn didn’t say anything. Not matter what she felt for Chakotay, she didn’t owe him an explanation. He had no right to be angry with her. She simply glared at him. Chakotay ran a hand through his hair. 

“Damn it Kathryn, say something,” Chakotay said. 

“Why? It doesn’t matter now anyway,” She snapped. 

“Why not?” Chakotay said, his voice louder this time, clearly upset. 

“You know why,” Kathryn said. Her own anger rose up in her. 

“You tell me,” said Chakotay. 

“How’s Seven?” she spat out. Her voice sounded bitter. She couldn’t help it. 

“She’s…” Chakotay started, “That’s what this is about? Me dating Seven.”

“You kept that under wraps didn’t you?” said Kathryn. At that moment she wasn’t sure what angered her more, Chakotay dating Seven or the fact that he kept it a secret from her. 

He took a step toward her and Kathryn took a step back.

“You have no right to be angry,” said Chakotay, his jaw setting tightly.

Chakotay continued to move toward her angrily and Kathryn moved backward until her back hit a wall. He couldn’t intimidate her. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway, she faced the Borg, even Fear itself. Her former first officer wasn’t going to make her feel any less than she should just because he was….what? Angry that she was angry? 

“I have every right,” said Kathryn. Her arms fell to her sides, hands against the wall, as if using it for support. 

They glared at each other breathing heavily. He was so close. Had he ever been this close to her? She looked into his eyes and felt her breath catch again. It was the same look she saw on the dance floor. Then she recognized it for what it was. It wasn’t anger. It was lust. Full-blown desire. Before Kathryn could say anything or even let her anger subside, Chakotay crushed his mouth to hers. He pressed her against the wall. His hands grabbed her head, fingers clutching her hair. He kissed her so passionately that Kathryn gasped. Chakotay took full advantage and thrust his tongue into her mouth. Kathryn couldn’t help herself; she swooned. 

Chakotay pushed her against the wall again, pressing her body tightly with his. She could feel him all over and soon found her hands gripping his hair and she angrily kissed him back. Chakotay groaned and their tongues dueled. They broke apart gasping for a second then he captured her lips with his again. It was bruising, teeth clashed as their tongues fought for control. She felt his hands slide down to her shoulders. His fingers traced the plunging neckline of her dress until they reached her breasts and he roughly grabbed one. Squeezing, kneading it with his fingers. He moved to her neck and kissed and licked the tendon there as Kathryn’s head fell back against the wall. She couldn’t stop the moan that escaped her throat as he bit her neck lightly, marking her. Chakotay kissed her collarbone and shifted her higher up the wall and he moved his way down her body. He kissed her chest, his tongue licking the edge of her breasts through the neckline. Kathryn gasped and gripped his head, holding him there. 

Chakotay alternated squeezing each of her breasts, kissing his way back up to her collarbone. Kathryn pulled him up by the hair and kissed him, pulling his bottom lip between her teeth lightly. Chakotay whimpered and ran his hands up and down her waist, then sliding them to her bare back. Kathryn gasped at the feeling of his skin on hers. Chakotay thrust his tongue back into her mouth and ground himself against her. Kathryn could feel his hardness between them and she groaned. Chakotay flicked his tongue in and out of her mouth, mimicking what both of them knew was going to happen, soon. Kathryn felt a strong wave of desire rush over her. She slid one hand down his chest to the waistband of his pants. She eased the zipper down and reached inside. Chakotay groaned loudly and thrust his hips into her hand as she cupped his erection through his shorts. Chakotay groaned again and slammed his hands against the wall on either side of her head. He thrust into her hand. He broke their kiss and rested his forehead against hers, panting hard. 

When she reached inside his shorts and gripped him with her bare hand, Chakotay whimpered. She pumped him a few times, delighting in the knowledge that she was causing this reaction. Chakotay suddenly pushed her hand away and growled as he lifted her up, his hands on her ass. He pressed her against the wall. He roughly pushed the skirt of her dress up to her hips. He kissed her hard as his hands ripped her panties from her. Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist. Chakotay ran his hands up her thighs and Kathryn had to bite down on his shoulder to keep from crying out as he thrust a finger inside her. He pumped her roughly before adding a second, and then a third finger. Kathryn couldn’t stop herself; she thrust her hips hard against his hand. Her fingers dug into his shoulders. Chakotay pumped his fingers in and out as Kathryn writhed against him. Chakotay kissed her again as Kathryn’s hands slid down his chest then up to his neck. Kathryn held him to her as they kissed, their mouths fused together. She tensed and she tilted her head back, leaning against the wall. Chakotay kissed her neck as she came around his fingers. She clutched him and cried out in ecstasy, her mouth open as she gasped for air. Chakotay removed his fingers and frantically fumbled with his pants. He pulled his aching cock out and roughly pushed into her. The both gasped at the sensation. Chakotay gripped her hips tightly and Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist. She looked at him. His eyes were closed, his mouth open, the corner of his lips turned up in a smile. He was inside her and that thought alone was almost enough to send Kathryn over the edge. Kathryn gasped for breath. She held his shoulders tightly. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn gasped. 

Chakotay groaned and thrust into her. He kissed her hard as he began to thrust. He slid his hands to her ass, gripping her cheeks so tightly, Kathryn was sure he’d leave bruises. His pace quickened. Faster and faster, he snapped his hips, grinding into her with very thrust. She kissed him, thrusting her tongue into his mouth and holding his head at just the right angle. She matched his thrusts and Chakotay groaned. He pumped into her harder until he was pounding into her like he would never have another chance to do so. Kathryn clawed at his back, scraping the back of his neck with her fingernails. They were frantic. Chakotay fucked her and that’s what it was. Down and dirty fucking. It was rough and hot, and Kathryn had a fleeting thought that it couldn’t have been any other way. 

Kathryn whimpered, “Don’t stop.”

Chakotay dropped his head to her shoulder and he continued to pound into her, pulling her toward him as he thrust forward.

“You feel so good. You feel so good,” chanted Chakotay. 

Kathryn moaned in response. He was grinding against her in just the right spot. She thrust against him, desperate for release, when finally, she felt herself being thrown over the edge. She clung to him as she buried her face into his neck as she cried out his name. A dozen frantic thrusts later, Chakotay followed her, holding himself still and gripping her to him as he emptied his seed into her. He groaned her name. 

They clung to each other. Not daring to move. Chakotay had her pinned against the wall; his body weight the only thing holding her up. It was several moments before they could bring their breathing back to normal. Kathryn let her legs fall back to the ground and leaned against the wall. Chakotay rested his forehead against the wall. Kathryn let her dress fall back into place. Kathryn searched the floor for her panties and found them cast aside to her left. She placed a hand on Chakotay’s chest.

“We should get back,” she said. 

Chakotay grunted softly and after a few seconds, step back from her. He tucked himself back into his pants and zipped them. Kathryn grabbed her panties, which were thankfully salvageable. Chakotay staggered backwards and rested on the edge of the conference room table. He watched her slip her panties back on. Kathryn smoothed her dress of wrinkles and haphazardly pinned her hair back up. Chakotay leaned against the table looking at the floor. Kathryn wasn’t sure what to say but knew that her absence would be missed soon. She headed for the door. 

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said. 

It was more of a whisper, as if he was afraid to say anything. 

Kathryn walked back over to him. She tilted his face up to her and kissed him. It was a long kiss, full of promise. 

“I’m staying in temporary quarters. Third floor, room 321,” she said. 

She kissed him again and when she broke away, he captured her mouth with his, kissing her back. As if, if he let her go now, she would never return. When they broke apart, Kathryn turned and left for the ballroom.


	3. Chapter 3

Back at the party, Kathryn saw her sister in the crowd. From the smirk on her face, Kathryn knew that Phoebe had a very good idea what had happened when Voyager’s captain and first officer disappeared. Kathryn blushed as she appeared at her sister’s side, where she stood next to Ensign Wildman and Naomi, who quickly introduced Kathryn to her father, Greskrendrick. Phoebe thankfully, remained quiet but shot Kathryn numerous meaningful looks, which Kathryn ignored. The last thing she wanted to do was to have a discussion in front of Naomi Wildman about the that fact that she just had sex with her first officer, in a conference room, and enjoyed every minute of it. 

When Naomi and her family moved on, Kathryn sought out other crew members to speak to, anyone but Chakotay, and Phoebe followed her. 

“Something happened…” said Phoebe. 

“Not now, Phoebe. Not here,” Kathryn protested, pleading with her sister not to push the subject. 

Phoebe would not leave her alone. Her giddy demeanor did not asway Kathryn’s unease over the entire situation. What had she done? How could she let this happen? Now things were more complicated. Her heart wanted Chakotay but caution kept her from expressing it. Instead, it allowed her to sneak away from the party and indulge her desires but whether or not it was the start of something more...she didn’t know. Not to mention, Kathryn wasn’t sure if Chakotay truly understood her veiled invitation to join her later that night but she couldn’t stop herself from asking. She wanted him again….but now wasn’t the time. Now, she had to focus on the crew. 

“Well, I know something happened....and for what it’s worth, your first officer can’t take his eyes off of you,” said Phoebe. She wiggled her eyebrows at Kathryn before finally leaving her side to allow Kathryn time to speak with her crew. 

Kathryn couldn’t help but steal a glance in Chakotay’s direction and found him talking to Mike Ayala and his sons. Despite being in conversation with Mike, Chakotay’s eyes flickered toward her. Each time, Kathryn felt herself blush and she would unconsciously primp her appearance in response. She couldn’t get distracted again, not even if her body wanted to be distracted. Not even if his gaze shot a tingling sensation from her fingertips down to her toes. She caught herself smoothing the fabric of her dress, right over her hips. She stopped but not before she noticed Chakotay’s gaze following the motion of her hands down her hips. 

The crew, she reminded herself, you still have to be here for the crew. Kathryn stopped by every table, saying goodnight to every member of the crew that she could. She hugged some of them, posed for holophotos, insisted that everyone kept her updated on their lives; all the while she could feel Chakotay’s eyes on her. Occasionally, she would toss a look his way, their eyes would lock from across the room and she couldn’t hide her expression as she remembered how good it felt to kiss him, to feel him so close and inside her. Heat would rise to her cheeks and she would look away. Chakotay did nothing to hide his looks of pure lust from her.

Kathryn left the party just after midnight. She hugged various crew members and Harry’s mother, Mrs. Kim, several times on her way to the door. The Doctor cornered her and insisted that he remain her primary physician, as he alone knew how stubborn she was at keeping up with annual physicals. Kathryn smiled at the Doctor, promising to keep him online and available. She caught Tom’s eye as she left. His eyebrows shot up in question, as if asking, did she make an attempt at reconciliation with Chakotay. Little did he know, thought Kathryn. Nearby, Chakotay was standing next to Seven and Icheb. When Kathryn caught his gaze again, she mouthed, 321. Chakotay barely inclined his head, but after years of working with him, Kathryn knew he understood. She tracked down her mother and sister and left the ballroom. Phoebe didn’t seemed too pleased to leave the festivities so soon, but looped her arm with Kathryn’s as they left anyway. Kathryn’s mind fixated on her pounding heart and Chakotay’s acceptance of her invitation. She barely paid attention to the conversation her mother and sister had on the tram ride to the facility where Starfleet was housing the Voyager crew. 

When Kathryn made it to her temporary quarters, she was ready to say goodnight. As much as she loved her mother and sister and seeing them again made her happy beyond reason, Kathryn was really eager to see Chakotay. Not to mention her entire body tingled with the thought of him. 

“This is where we say goodnight,” said Kathryn, trying to politely tell her family to leave. The anticipation of Chakotay’s arrival growing insider her, coiling her stomach like a snake. 

“So soon?” Gretchen asked, clearly disappointed. 

“I’m tired. This whole week has been exhausting,” said Kathryn. 

“I bet,” said Phoebe, eyeing her sister with smug assurance. 

Even after all these years of being apart. Phoebe could always tell when Kathryn was preoccupied, especially when it came to a preoccupation with a man. It was delightfully infruitiating. A good problem to have, Kathryn reminded herself. 

“It’s been a whirlwind with the debriefings and all the people,” said Kathryn. 

“Some more than others,” muttered Phoebe. 

Kathryn shot her sister a look. 

“Well, if you need rest, we’ll let you get some,” said Gretchen, “Come visit us in Indiana when you feel rested.” 

“Get some” Phoebe mouthed behind her mother’s back. 

“Goodnight Phoebe,” Kathryn said pointedly, “Mom,” she added. She hugged her family good night. 

From her door, Kathryn watched as her mother and sister retreated down the hall to the turbolift. As they reached it, the doors opened and Chakotay stepped out. Kathryn froze. She felt a rush of excitement at seeing Chakotay, a strong desire to run into his arms but also fear. Gretchen smiled and greeted Chakotay as she stepped past him and into the lift. Phoebe shot a knowing smile back at Kathryn before she followed her mother. The lift doors closed and Chakotay walked down the hall toward her. He had a small smile on his face. Kathryn’s heart beat faster with every step he took. They stood at her door. 

“Kathryn,” he said in the special way that made her knees go weak. He always said her name with such care and reverence. No one had ever said her name that way. His eyes burned darkly, as if the memories of their liaison in the Starfleet conference room were fueling them. Her own memories were certainly causing all kinds of reactions all over her body. 

Kathryn entered the code to her quarters and the doors swished open. She eyed Chakotay with as much seductive confidence she could muster and he followed her inside. Chakotay had her in his arms and pulled up against his body before the doors closed behind him. There was no time for words. No time for reasonable cautions or a demand for explanations. This wasn’t something to think about. It was Chakotay himself, years ago, who told her that she should live in the moment. Focus on the present and right now, Kathryn was. All she could do was feel Chakotay’s hands sliding up her hips, his lips on hers, and the groan that vibrated from his chest. There was no time to ask about what they were doing or if they should stop. They were halfway to the small stark Starfleet bedroom before Kathryn had a fleeting thought that technically Chakotay was still linked to Seven but as Chakotay’s hands lowered the zipper of her dress and began to peel her from its confines, she didn’t care. They pulled at each other’s clothing, this time needing to see each other exposed and vulnerable. 

Chakotay’s skin was hot under her hands as Kathryn ran them up his bare chest. He lowered her to the bed, his body over hers. Kathryn lay on the stiff mattress and gazed at the man above her. Chakotay’s eyes were dark with desire as he locked his gaze on hers. Their naked bodies pressed together and Chakotay sighed at the contact. Kathryn’s hands ran down his back. She felt his muscles, a little hidden from the weight he had gained in the last year or so of their journey but it didn’t matter to her, he was Chakotay, simple as that. She reached up and cupped his cheek, pulling his head to her and kissing him. Her passion for him causing him to groan. Their tongues danced with each other as their kisses grew more wild and urgent. Chakotay’s hands were everywhere and Kathryn felt lightheaded from the sensations. It had been a while since she felt this good. It was intoxicating. 

The next thing she knew, he was inside her. It was as intense as their first coupling at the Welcome Home Celebration. It was just as firey and full of need. It was on levels she couldn’t explain. Kathryn tilted her head back, exposing her neck. She opened her mouth in a scream but no sound came out as Chakotay kissed his way down the tendon that her position exposed. Kathryn felt too good. All she could do was feel. They crashed against each other, a tangle of limbs and movement of hips. She held Chakotay’s face to hers, drowning herself in his eyes and his passionate kisses until they both tumbled over to a shared state of bliss. She dug her fingernails into the back of his neck as her body went taut and this time she couldn’t hold back the, Oh! of satisfaction she felt. Chakotay groaned into her neck, his hot breath cascaded over the skin below her ear. 

They lay together in silence until Kathryn couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore. They slipped shut with the feeling of Chakotay’s body pressed up against hers. In the morning, he was gone. Kathryn didn’t allow herself to feel disappointed. She hadn’t expected him to stay. After all, he was with Seven, who probably expected him to do whatever it was she was planning to do once they settled in on Earth. Kathryn felt a twinge of guilt for not being available to guide her protege in this time of transition but in her defense, Kathryn didn’t want to be a sounding board for any relationship questions Seven might have. The very thought made Kathryn’s stomach churn, so she forced herself to think of something more pleasant, like how Chakotay’s hands felt as they trailed up her thighs, or his groans as they moved together. She grinned as she stretched. The morning sun cascaded over the rumbled sheets. Kathryn didn’t even bother to make the bed. She liked the reminder that the reason for her severely crumpled sheets was because of Chakotay’s presence in them hours before.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn stepped into the small bathroom and ordered the computer to start a hot bath. She wanted to relax and technically, she was on leave until her next assignment, so a long hot bath was just want the doctor ordered. Kathryn didn’t make plans for her extended leave. It was unspoken that she would visit her mother in Indiana and spend time with Phoebe but thoughts of what she would do for herself never occurred to her. With all the hustle and bustle with the debriefings and disembarking the crew, Kathryn didn’t have time to think. There was a small part of her that didn’t want to think about the future, especially one where Chakotay wasn’t a part of it but now things were different and more complicated as ever. She’d have to work something out. As for her career, there were talks of promoting her. Kathryn wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Were the pips of an Admiral really what she wanted?  
As the tub filled with steaming warm water, Kathryn came to the final conclusion. Yes, a promotion would be what she wanted. She would be following in her father’s footsteps. That thought alone made her very proud.  
Kathryn sighed as she climbed into the tub and relaxed. She let the hot water ripple around her as she settled in. Her thoughts focused on her father. She would have liked for him to be alive now. Kathryn would have liked to hear his voice as he welcomed her home. He would have liked Chakotay. Kathryn had no doubt that her father and Chakotay would have got along splendidly. They were from similar molds. Strong, caring, and serious, although, Chakotay did have a twisted sense of humor that Kathryn enjoyed. Her father’s jokes were few and far between but Chakotay, he made her laugh. If her father was here, how would she explain this situation to him? How would she tell her father about Chakotay? She wasn’t even telling her mother about having sex with her first officer. Kathryn was sure if her family knew of the entire situation, including Seven, they would not be happy with her. Kathryn didn’t care. Last night’s activities felt too good to dwell on what-ifs. Phoebe knew, as she always did and would no doubt contact her to get all the juicy details. Kathryn smiled her crooked smile. Phoebe hadn’t changed. Still the artist, still the free spirit, still so much more cavalier with her relationships than Kathryn was. Yet, it was she, Kathryn, who was sneakily inviting Chakotay to her quarters for sex. Was it just the curiosity? No, if it was, they would have done it years ago. It would have happened on New Earth. Kathryn had her leg halfway out of the water as she washed when she froze.  
New Earth. She hadn’t thought of it in so long. Well, she thought of it more so now than any other time in their journey. Kathryn wasn’t sure if it was because of her proximity to Chakotay in the past few hours or the fact that she was relaxed enough to realize, the closeness, the isolation (with Chakotay) was what she wanted. What to do with that closeness, she wasn’t sure. Remembering the tub Chakotay had built her on New Earth. She spent many nights in that tub. Her heart twisted at the memory, but she couldn’t place exactly how she felt. She felt a strong urge to contact Chakotay. She needed to hear his voice and see his face. Kathryn closed her eyes as she relaxed at the memory of him. She pretended her hands were Chakotay’s has she moved them over her slick skin. Whatever it was that was happening between them, Kathryn was sure of just of one thing...she wanted him. 

Later that morning, Kathryn was investigating a few leads on apartments in San Francisco. Owen Paris knew of a few that were going on the market, as their previous tenants left Earth for various reasons. She explored a walk up near a park, a high rise with all the modern touches, and a few others, but none felt right. Her apartment she had before she left for Voyager all those years ago, was long gone. Her mother and Mark cleaned it out, Mark told her in one of his letters. She didn’t miss it. Kathryn doubted she would have found solace there anyway. Everything felt foreign now, as if Earth and everything on it had changed while she was in the Delta quadrant. No, she needed someplace new. She needed a new life plan and if her heart had anything to say about it, a plan that included Chakotay. Kathryn mentally berated herself. How could she think of a future with him when he was still tied to Seven? What was she doing? Deliberately setting herself up for heartache? Resigning to the fact that today was not the day she would find a new place to live, she returned to the her temporary quarters, and tried not to think anymore of Chakotay. Kathryn arrived back in her spartan box with fortunately large windows just before lunch. When she opened the door, the computer notified her of a waiting message. 

“Computer begin message playback on the desktop monitor,” Kathryn said, removing her jacket and throwing it over the backside of the couch. 

She sat at the desk and watched as the United Federation of Planets logo appeared briefly then disappeared to begin playback of her message. Chakotay’s face filled the screen. He looked like he was in a very green part of the world, at least, from what she could tell from the window behind him. 

“Hello, Kathryn. I wanted to talk to you…”

He tugged at his earlobe in the way he always did when he was searching for the right words to say. Kathryn could help but tilt her head and smile affectionately at his image. 

“I’m sorry for leaving so early. I, uh...I figured I’d let you sleep. After all, you didn’t get much while we were on Voyager,” he said in a low voice and a smile, “I made plans to meet my sister and my cousin in Ohio. That’s where I am now. Just to catch up. That’s why I had to leave early. They were waiting to receive me at the transporter station in Ohio. I...um…”

He looked around, as if to check if there was anybody who could overhear what he was saying. 

“Look, I...uh...I don’t know what to say, really. I was wondering if you’d like to talk? About last night. Give me a call. I’ve enclosed the information on how to contact me. Please use it.” 

He looked at the screen as if he wanted to say more but then smiled, nodded, and closed the channel. Kathryn sat staring at the screen. She didn’t know how to react. She wasn’t sure what kind of reaction she wanted from Chakotay. He was right. They needed to talk about last night, although she had no idea what she would say. Thanks for the great lay, glad we got that out of our systems? No. That wouldn’t be truthful. It wasn’t out of her system. In fact, she craved more. Kathryn didn’t think it would ever be out of her system. Instead, she decided to bite the bullet and just see where a natural conversation would lead to. She pulled up the information Chakotay provided her and called him. His face appeared on the screen and her heart leapt at the sight of him. He grinned, his dimples showing briefly, clearly thrilled. 

“I didn’t think you’d call,” he admitted. 

“Well, I did,” said Kathryn. 

When he didn’t say anything, Kathryn plugged forward. 

“How long will you be in Ohio?” she asked. 

Kathryn didn’t want to come off as too eager to see him again but in actuality, she was eager to see him again. To be with him again. 

“Just until tonight. My cousin is leaving for Dorvan for a family vacation. Well, it’s not so much a vacation as it is introducing his children to our tribe,” said Chakotay, “That’s why my sister just happened to be on Earth, she’s escorting them back. The timing was perfect, albeit a little short.” 

Kathryn smiled. 

“It must be nice reconnecting with family,” she said. 

“It is. It would have been nice for you to meet my sister, but Dorvan is very far away and she’s helping my cousin prepare for the journey,” said Chakotay, “Have you spent time with your family?” 

“A little,” said Kathryn, “I’m not sure I’m ready for a full blown family reunion. So much has changed and there’s so much to do now.”

Chakotay smiled and shook his head, “Promise me you’ll give yourself some time to relax before you go back to work. Seeing your family would help.” 

“I am relaxing,” said Kathryn a little defensively, “I went apartment hunting this morning.” 

Chakotay chuckled, “That’s relaxing?”

“Well, I did have a long bath before that,” Kathryn said, looking at the screen with her crooked smile. 

Chakotay leaned closer to his monitor and she saw the corner of his mouth twitch up into a sly smile. 

“Too bad I wasn’t there to share it with you,” he said. 

“Come by tonight and maybe you will,” Kathryn said. 

The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. She blushed. What was she doing? 

“You’re on,” said Chakotay, “Still in 321?” 

“Yes,” Kathryn replied, her voice low. She leaned forward, knowing that the blouse she was wearing showed just enough cleavage to tease him and she wanted to tease him. 

“I’ll see you then,” she said, almost laughing at the way Chakotay swallowed at the sight of her. 

“Tonight,” he said, his eyes fixed lower than her face on the screen. 

Kathryn leaned back and Chakotay’s eyes snapped up to meet hers. 

“Until then,” she said before logging off. 

Kathryn relaxed in her desk chair. Now that the ice seemed to have been broken between them. Kathryn found that she missed just talking to Chakotay. Their call was entirely too much fun. Who knew overtly flirting with Chakotay would give her such a thrill? Or was it his reaction that caused a shiver down her spine? Kathryn didn’t have time to think before there was a chime at her door. For millisecond, Kathryn thought maybe Chakotay had decided to stop by early but she shook her head. He couldn’t have arrived from Ohio that quickly. It wasn’t like he could call for a site to site transport. Kathryn got up from her chair and opened the door to her quarters. 

“Lunch surprise!” Her sister Phoebe announced as soon as she saw Kathryn standing in the doorway. 

Kathryn smiled, “Hello, Phoebe.” 

She stood aside and her younger sister sauntered in. She looked around. 

“Dull, isn’t it?” 

Kathryn held up her arms, “Starfleet issue.” 

“Like I said, dull. We have to get you into someplace new,” said Phoebe. 

“That’s exactly what I was doing this morning but I didn’t find an apartment I liked,” said Kathryn.

“There’s plenty out there. I’ll find you the right one with just the right amount of flair,” said Phoebe. 

“No thanks, I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself,” said Kathryn. 

Phoebe grinned wide and walked up to her sister, “Speaking of doing it….”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe she walked right into that one. She missed this. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with that first officer of yours?” said Phoebe, “Or am I going to guess?” 

“You probably already know. You always do,” said Kathryn. 

Kathryn crossed her arms over her chest and eyed her sister. Phoebe’s grin seemed to grow even more. She slipped her hand under Kathryn’s elbow and linked their arms. 

“Why don’t we discuss it over lunch?”

She grabbed Kathryn’s jacket and led her to the doors of her quarters. Kathryn sighed. Well, Chakotay did say to spend time with her family. Phoebe waited in the corridor as Kathryn threw on her coat and locked her quarters. 

“Where’s Mom?” 

“Mathematics conference in New Orleans. She came up for the Welcome Home Celebration last night just to see you. She didn’t tell you? Doesn’t matter.” said Phoebe, waving a hand in the air, “She’s planning a party for you at the house later, when she’s back” 

“I don’t need a party,” Kathryn said as they entered the turbolift and rode it down to the ground floor. 

“Too bad,” said Phoebe, “Mom’s planning it, so it’s happening.” 

They exited the apartment and Kathryn felt a strange foreboding. She didn’t want a party. The Welcome Home celebration that Starfleet held was enough. Who was her mother going to invite that wasn’t already at the Starfleet party? Kathryn didn’t want the attention, nor did she feel like she needed a hero’s welcome. It was team effort, she just happen to be the leader. They walked down a busy street of San Francisco. 

“How about this place?” Phoebe said. 

They stopped in front of a restaurant that advertised native Betazoid cuisine. Where your waiter knows what you want before you do! Phoebe led the way inside. They were seated and after a moment’s glance at the menu, Kathryn and Phoebe’s waiter did indeed know what they wanted before they ordered. It made Phoebe laugh. Kathryn, having dealt with strange situations for seven years, found the experience a little disconcerting. Despite the Betazoids being friendly, helpful, allies to humans for decades, the experienced Delta quadrant captain side of her urged caution. Kathryn shook her head at the ridiculousness at the very thought. She really needed to adjust to being home. She wasn’t under constant attack here. When their waiter delivered their food, Kathryn pushed all thought about Delta quadrant horrors aside. Their food looked delicious. 

“So…” said Phoebe, staring at her sister, “Are you going to tell me?” 

“Tell you what?” said Kathryn, as she mixed her Betazoid version of a salad with her fork. 

“The details about your first officer...how did it happen? How many times did it happen? What is he like?” 

Kathryn rolled her eyes in embarrassment, “Phoebe…”

“Come on, it’s been seven years. It won’t kill you to have a little girl talk,” said Phoebe, taking a long sip of a purple drink the waiter brought over just moments after he delivered the food, “Besides, if you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?” 

“Fine,” said Kathryn, knowing she could possibly regret it Phoebe was right, she needed to tell someone. 

“It happened at the Welcome Home celebration,” said Kathryn. 

“I knew it!”

“It just sort of happened,” said Kathryn plugging forward, “We didn’t talk about it, we still haven’t talked about it.” 

“And when we said goodnight last night?” Phoebe prompted. 

“He stayed,” Kathryn admitted, staring down at her meal.

“And?” 

Phoebe had always been more open when it came to talk about her relationships. Kathryn was not. Still, the memories of the night before were burned into her mind. Kathryn pursed her lips while she thought. Did she want to tell Phoebe everything? 

“It was good, wasn’t it?” said Phoebe grinning. 

Kathryn cheeks felt hot as she blushed. 

“Yes,” said Kathryn. 

Phoebe was thrilled, “Oh my God. Tell me details. Tell me everything.” 

“It’s...new...He’s…” 

Phoebe waiting anxiously for her to continue. Leaning forward in her seat to focus on her. 

“He’s very different from Mark,” said Kathryn. 

“Of course he is, Mark was stuffy. This first officer - well, he has a bad boy edge doesn’t he? He was a Maquis.”

Kathryn was surprised at Phoebe’s assessment of both Mark and Chakotay. 

“Mark was not stuffy,” said Kathryn. She waved a finger at Phoebe. 

“He was stuffy,” said Phoebe as if it settled the matter. 

“And Chakotay-” Kathryn said changing the subject but paused. It felt funny gossiping with her sister. She hadn’t done that in a long time but now that she started she couldn’t stop. To hell with it, thought Kathryn, Phoebe wouldn’t tell a soul if I asked her to keep it quiet.

“Chakotay does have a hard edge to him but he’s actually a very kind and thoughtful man.” 

“So you’ve tamed a bad boy,” Phoebe said. 

“Chakotay doesn’t need taming,” said Kathryn. 

“Probably a good trait for a former Maquis turned Starfleet officer. Not so great to have if you’re going to be sleeping with him.” 

“Phoebe, keep your voice down,” said Kathryn and she looked around the room but there were no other patrons within earshot and the wait staff had discretely disappeared. 

“Well, you deserve a little fun, after everything you’ve been through. And I deserve to hear it. I haven’t spoken to you in seven years. More.” said Phoebe, encouraging her to continue and leaning forward in eagerness. 

Kathryn shook her head but couldn’t stop the crooked smile that appeared on her face. 

“He’s different than Mark. Chakotay is...wild. Firey and aggressive. He’s so passionate,” said Kathryn, finding the right words to describe her escapades with Chakotay. 

She could feel her blush creep across her face and down her neck. When has she become such a prude? Embarrassed by sex? Maybe it was because what she was doing with Chakotay was wrong. Or felt like they were sneaking around. Well, they were sneaking around. He was dating Seven and Kathryn was inviting him over for sex behind her back. 

“It’s good. It’s just...good…” Kathryn said with a smile, deciding not to tell Phoebe about Seven. 

“I knew it. Kathryn, I’m so happy for you!” 

Kathryn shook her head in half amusement and half embarrassment. It was a good thing Phoebe didn’t know about Chakotay and Seven. If she did, Kathryn was sure her sister would track Chakotay down and demand that he make a choice and Phoebe would not be afraid to cause a scene. Needing to protect both her and Chakotay’s dignity, Kathryn left out that significant detail. Phoebe picked up her purple drink again, and grinned at Kathryn as she played with the straw. 

“Hero of Starfleet, back from the realm of the missing and the Delta quadrant, and now you have a great lay to boot,” said Phoebe, “Should I be jealous?”

“Oh Phoebe,” said Kathryn, smacking her sister’s arm playfully. 

They laughed and laughed. Kathryn couldn’t remember the last time she had a long, tears in your eyes, stitch in your side, laugh with anyone. It felt good. As if things were starting, if only just, to feel like home.


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn spent the rest of the day with Phoebe. She gladly accepted when Phoebe insisted they spend the day together. It was nice doing something that wasn’t related to Chakotay or Voyager or Starfleet for that matter. It was just living again, something Kathryn seemed to have forgotten over the years. They explored and reacquainted Kathryn with San Francisco while Phoebe filled her in on what was happening with Earth while Kathryn was away. Phoebe recounted the Federation’s war with the Dominion. Something Voyager was spared. Kathryn was grateful she wasn’t involved with the war but at the same time, always felt a little helpless when she read letters from Starfleet Command about the tactical situations. The two of them found an Irish pub and enjoyed pub food and beer for dinner. It was just the right spot but as the evening grew late and the pub crowd grew rowdy, Kathryn was ready to return home. Phoebe had insisted on walking her back to her apartment. 

“The Breen attacked Starfleet Headquarters and that’s when Mom and I knew just how dangerous the situation was. I mean, we understood war was dangerous and I lost friends on ships that were destroyed but we all felt Earth was safe, you know…” said Phoebe as they walked back to Kathryn’s apartment.

“I can understand that,” said Kathryn but her mind was elsewhere. 

Kathryn didn’t tell her sister that Chakotay was planning on stopping by in just a few hours or so. All Kathryn knew was that she was eager to see him but that she didn’t want to hurry Phoebe away. Having one conversation about her sex life was enough and Kathryn really didn’t want to see the sly expression on Phoebe’s face as she guessed why Kathryn would be rushing her out the door. Instead, she successfully convinced her sister that after a day’s shopping and exploring, she needed a hot bath and to go to bed early.  
It wasn’t all she needed, Kathryn’s mind supplied.   
Phoebe didn’t argue with her. She hugged her sister at the doorway. 

“I’m sure Mom will contact you about the party, so I’ll see you soon,” said Phoebe before turning to go. 

She turned back and waved as Kathryn watched her walk down the corridor to the turbolift. As the lift doors opened, Kathryn was actually disappointed to not find Chakotay waiting there. She really needed to calm down her excitement. The thought of her impending secret liaison with Chakotay kept a smile on her face throughout the rest of her evening. Whenever she caught herself, Kathryn would mentality chastise herself for her giddiness, but she did admit that she was looking forward to sex that evening.   
It wasn’t until 2300 hours that Chakotay showed up at her door. He was dressed in his red shirt that she recognized from New Earth. It fit him a little more snugly now but she always admired how he looked in it. 

“Hi,” he said standing in the doorway. 

He couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared on his face. Was he looking forward to this as much as she was? Of course he was, thought Kathryn, he was a man after all. 

“Hi,” she said before stepping aside. 

Chakotay entered her quarters and then turned to look at her. 

“Did you enjoy your time with your family?” asked Kathryn. 

“Yes,” said Chakotay, “Did you enjoy your bath earlier today?” 

“Oh yes,” said Kathryn. 

The door to her quarters closed and she walked up to Chakotay. She deliberately let her hips sway and she smirked at him. She ran a finger up his chest, stopping at the point where his shirt opened near his collarbone. 

“It’s one of my favorite ways to relax,” she said, knowing he already knew this. 

“One of the ways?” Chakotay asked, leaning in a little closer to her. 

“I can think of another one,” said Kathryn as she looped her hands around Chakotay’s neck and brought his head down to her. 

They kissed as if they had been separated for months. It was a groping, passionate, tangle of limbs as they pressed their bodies together. 

Kathryn sighed at the contact. She felt his hard chest against her and his strong arms wrapping around her back. Suddenly, the bedroom was too far away. She directed Chakotay to the couch and they tumbled upon it. Chakotay’s hands slid all over her body and Kathryn’s hands crept underneath his shirt. It bunched up midway up Chakotay’s back as Kathryn felt his strong shoulder and back muscles. 

“Let’s get this off you,” she said and they hastily removed Chakotay’s shirt. He tossed it over his shoulder as he straddled her on the couch. 

He grinned down at Kathryn. His dimples had their desired effect and Kathryn’s hands went straight to the fastening of his pants. They kicked and pulled off their clothes. Each of their garments tossed aside to lay haphazardly on the gray carpeted floor. Kathryn lay back on the couch, Chakotay above her. She kissed him as he worked her into a frenzy with his fingers. She cried out against his mouth as her orgasm overtook her. Chakotay grinned. 

“Any chance I’ll see you in that bathtub?” Chakotay teased, gazing down at her. 

“Maybe, but if you stop now, mister, I’ll throw you in the brig,” said Kathryn who wasn’t thinking about bathtubs or anything else at the moment. 

Chakotay chuckled before kissing her again. Chakotay slowly eased himself inside her and groaned at the contact. Kathryn wrapped her legs around Chakotay's waist, maneuvering awkwardly on the couch. Chakotay sank into her a little deeper and Kathryn tilted her head back. 

“Oh,” she gasped. 

Chakotay groaned in response. Kathryn couldn’t help the feeling of complete elation that overwhelmed her sensations in that moment. All because of this man. It wasn’t just the sex for her. She could easily find someone willing, especially now that she was home. No, this feeling that made even her toes tingle, was because of Chakotay. It had to be. When he moved, it was as if his hips were made for hers. They fit together like a puzzle piece. Chakotay’s hands caressed her body, moving up and down in time with his hips as they moved in tandem. 

“Yes,” Kathryn breathed. 

The whole thing was a mind altering experience. Gone were her doubts that she shouldn’t be getting involved with him. All thoughts of rank and protocol disappeared as Chakotay sped up his movements. All she could feel in that moment was how right it was to be with him and how connected she felt to him in that moment. Her fingernails dug into Chakotay’s back as she came around him. Chakotay followed soon after, groaning into her neck.   
They lay panting and sweating. Kathryn sighed as she ran a foot down the back of Chakotay’s calf. Her hands weaved through his hair until Chakotay caught his breath and propped himself up on his forearms. 

“Hey,” he said smiling at her. 

His expression was that of immense satisfaction.

“Hey, yourself,” said Kathryn smiling in an equally as happy manner.

Chakotay rolled off of her, pulling her up against his chest as he rested against the couch cushions. Kathryn pulled a blanket from the back of the couch accidentally hitting Chakotay in the face as she did so. 

She laughed, “Sorry.”

Chakotay chuckled as he sat up and helped spread the blanket over them. They sat in the dark, their bare feet peeking out from under the blanket where they rested on the coffee table before them. 

“What did you do for your first day of leave, besides apartment hunting?” asked Chakotay. 

He ran a hand over his face and pushed his hair off his forehead where it had stuck from his sweat. 

“My sister, Phoebe, surprised me for lunch,” said Kathryn. 

She tucked the blanket more snugly around her before turning her head to look at Chakotay.

“Are all the Janeway women as fierce as you?” said Chakotay. 

“Of course we are,” said Kathryn, “But Phoebe’s nothing like me. She’s much more of a free spirit. She’s an artist.”

“You painted on Voyager,” said Chakotay. 

“Rarely, and poorly,” laughed Kathryn.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” said Chakotay.

“It was, I assure you,” smiled Kathryn. 

Chakotay chuckled. Kathryn looked at their feet half hidden by the blanket. Chakotay caressed her foot with his. 

“You know, I didn’t think much about what it would be like being home, but I don’t mind this outcome,” said Chakotay. 

“It is nice, isn’t it?” said Kathryn. 

Silence fell upon them. Kathryn wanted to invite him to stay but she didn’t want to presume Chakotay wanted more. What if this was just a novelty for him and he was just satisfying his curiosity? Kathryn shook her head. 

“What?” said Chakotay, noticing her movement. 

Thinking quickly, Kathryn said, “I was just thinking, a hot bath would be nice right about now.” 

“Oh?” said Chakotay smiling, “Is that an invitation?” 

“You bet it is, mister,” said Kathryn. 

She stood up, taking the blanket with her and leaving Chakotay sitting naked on the couch. She laughed as he tried to tug the blanket back but she moved away. He playfully chased her back to the bathroom, successfully pulling the blanket from Kathryn’s body, letting it fall to the tiled floor. Chakotay distracted her with kisses as Kathryn ordered the computer to fill the tub. When it was ready, they climbed in and Kathryn relaxed back in Chakotay’s arms. She sighed as the steam and hot water relaxed her muscles and the heat of Chakotay’s body felt like a solid warm blanket. 

“I can see why you like this,” said Chakotay, “Warm water, bubbles, and a very naked partner.” 

“I’m usually alone when I take a bath.” 

“Do you want me to leave?” Said Chakotay and Kathryn could tell he was teasing. 

“You said you wanted to see me in it,” said Kathryn. 

“Yeah but that was only to…well, it’s nice to be here,” said Chakotay changing his line of thought at top speed. 

Kathryn caressed his arms where they were wrapped around her waist.   
What was he trying to say? It was what? A poly for more sex? Well, it worked. Here he was. In that moment, Kathryn didn’t care. It was just too good, too relaxing, to care about his motives. 

“It is,” Kathryn said. 

They stayed in the tub until the water cooled and Kathryn yawned.   
“Bed,” said Chakotay and he eased Kathryn up as they exited the tub. Chakotay found towels from a nearby shelf and handed one to Kathryn. They dried off and went to bed. Chakotay lay next to her as Kathryn stretched, sighing in contentment.

“I have to find an apartment,” she yawned, “Starfleet wants to offer me a promotion and to remain on Earth, at least at first.”

“A promotion? That’ll make you an admiral,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn couldn’t tell if he sound more surprised or annoyed but was too tired to ask. Before she knew it, she was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, Chakotay was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

A few days later, Kathryn accepted Starfleet’s offer for a promotion. She was sad to be torn away from the captain’s chair but eager to start working for the Federation on a larger scale. She sent Chakotay a quick message about her acceptance, to which he sent a curt congratulations as a reply. Kathryn had to admit, she was a little miffed at his response. Later, Admiral Owen Paris organized a small get together in order to recognize Kathryn’s achievements as captain and her promotion to Admiral. Many of the Voyager crew were in attendance. Those who had already left Earth sent messages of congratulations, even Mortimer Herron sent one, which Kathryn suspected was encouraged by almost friend, Tal Celes. The gathering was at a local restaurant not far from Starfleet Headquarters. Inside the packed restaurant, Admiral Paris proudly expressed his joy when Voyager returned not only noting that Voyager’s captain brought his only son back to him, but that as one of the junior officers he mentored, Kathryn, made him proud to have achieved so much. 

“Starfleet is extremely proud of the Voyager crew and her captain,” said Admiral Paris, “The perils you faced were no doubt harrowing and I’m pleased that you and your crew were able to maintain and uphold Starfleet ideals and principles. It’s a testament of your leadership and commitment.” 

He raised a glass of champagne and toasted, “Congratulations, Admiral Kathryn Janeway.” 

There were rounds of congratulations from the crew in attendance. Kathryn smiled as she looked around the room. She straightened her new uniform jacket. She wasn’t used to the black and gray look but Kathryn actually thought the Admiral’s belt looked nice on her. She would be starting a desk job when her shore leave was over. Another adjustment that Kathryn tried not to think about. She was going to miss Voyager. She missed Voyager now. Life just wasn’t going to be the same. Her smile faltered a little but Kathryn straightened her shoulders and spotted Chakotay sitting at a table in a corner. He held a glass of champagne but didn’t seem to be interested in drinking it. In fact he seemed a little down. Kathryn searched the room to find that Seven wasn’t nearby, so she beelined for Chakotay’s table. She sat next to him and he leaned back in his chair as she approached. 

“Congratulations,” he said but Kathryn, who had known him for seven years, could hear the disappointment in his voice. 

“Thank you,” she said, eyeing him shrewdly, “Something the matter?” 

“No,” Chakotay said. 

He took a swig of his champagne. 

“Something’s bothering you…” Kathryn pressed, unsatisfied with his answer. 

Chakotay sighed, his jaw tense as he stared at the table. 

“You deserve the promotion,” said Chakotay, “It’s just...rank seems to always stand between us. Now there’s larger gap.” 

“You’ll probably be getting a promotion too.” 

“That’s not what I’m talking about…” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn paused, he was right, technically. The gap between their ranks was larger now. However rank hadn’t stopped them from having sex at the Welcome Home Celebration, or in the temporary quarters she was assigned, but Kathryn didn’t believe it was rank that truly stood between them, despite what Chakotay said. It was Seven. Feeling suddenly bold, Kathryn placed a hand on Chakotay’s knee. With Seven in the same room, this touch could easily be passed off as innocent, but the look she gave Chakotay said otherwise. He met her gaze and Kathryn could see his eyes darken. It sent a thrill down her spine. She leaned into him to whisper in his ear. 

“Come with me,” she said and standing from the table, she led the way upstairs to a quieter space. 

Chakotay followed her and Kathryn found an upstairs bathroom. She pulled Chakotay inside by the hand and locked the door behind them. The bathroom was dimly lit and small but Kathryn didn’t care. All that mattered was that she satisfy a hunger that didn’t seem to dissipate. 

“Kathryn…” he said with just a hint of warning in his voice but Kathryn could see he was just as excited as she was. 

Her rebellious side took over and Kathryn pressed her body to Chakotay’s, running her hands up his chest. 

“No admiral’s rank or desk job is going to keep me from doing this,” she said and she pulled his head to hers and kissed him.

Chakotay responded eagerly and despite Admiral Paris, Seven of Nine, and the Voyager crew congregated downstairs, Chakotay lifted Kathryn into his arms and spun them around toward the sink. He placed her on the small vanity and let his hands travel all over her body. 

“God, I love the way you feel,” Kathryn gasped. 

Chakotay responded by kissing her and unbuckling her Admiral’s belt. Kathryn reached down and stroked him through his pants. Chakotay groaned. 

“Hurry,” she said and Chakotay obeyed. 

They worked at each other’s clothing. Kathryn was successful first and reached inside Chakotay’s pants and shorts to stroke his throbbing erection. Chakotay groaned at the contact, his own fingers fumbling with her uniform pant fastenings. His hips thrust into her palm. Kathryn looked into his face. Chakotay’s eyes were screwed up in pleasure as he fought for any semblance of control. He pushed her hand away and Kathryn helped him pull her pants and panties from her. Chakotay pulled her by the hips to the edge of the vanity before thrusting his fingers inside. Kathryn gasped and clutched his shoulders. They had been together enough times now for Chakotay to know just what she liked. He knew just how far to take her before she was just at the spine tingling edge but not enough to throw her over it. Kathryn clutched at Chakotay’s neck, gasping into his ear. 

“Now,” she said. 

They had to be quiet. Everyone was right downstairs. Chakotay pulled her even closer to him as he positioned himself. With one powerful thrust, he was inside her. He captured Kathryn’s lips and her cry of pleasure was mixed and muffled with his groan. Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer. She pressed her breasts into his chest and clutched at him, as if hanging on for dear life. Then, he moved. A few slow thrusts at first but they both knew they couldn’t take their time. They had to get back downstairs. Their pace increased, Kathryn bit down on Chakotay’s uniform clad shoulder as his face was buried in her neck. His hips slammed against hers and his hands gripped her waist. 

“God…” Kathryn gasped in a whisper and it seemed to only encourage Chakotay. 

He moved faster and harder. Kathryn knew he was close. She was just about to reach down and massage her clit when Chakotay’s fingers beat her too it. 

“Come on,” he said through gritted teeth.

His fingers applied just the right amount of pressure and off Kathryn went. She shrieked into Chakotay’s shoulder. Her body going limp against him. Chakotay held her to him as he pounded his way to his own release. He groaned a little too loudly and for a split second, Kathryn was convinced someone would come bursting through the bathroom door. Chakotay braced himself against the vanity, trapping Kathryn against his chest. Kathryn brushed his hair from his sweaty forehead, as Chakotay closed his eyes. She watched as he controlled his breathing and relaxed. She kissed his forehead. After a moment, he helped her down from the vanity and they dressed in silence. Before they left Kathryn turned to him. Kathryn leaned forward and kissed him lightly. 

“Come by tonight and we can do this again properly,” she said against his lips, “I have a new apartment now. I’ll send you the address.”

“Everything's happening so fast,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn reached up and stroked his cheek. 

“It is, but this new assignment won’t change much. I’ll still be on Earth just like you.” 

She turned for the door and thought she heard Chakotay mumble, “That’s not what I’m talking about…” but Kathryn wasn’t sure. 

When she glanced over his shoulder at him, he tossed her a small smile and nod, which Kathryn interpreted as acknowledgement of her invitation to stop by later that evening. 

They returned to the party. Phoebe caught her eye and raced to her side as soon as Kathryn stepped off the bottom stair. 

“There you are,” she said with a big grin on her face. 

She watched Chakotay walk past them, Phoebe’s grin became even wider. 

“So you too…” began Phoebe but spotting Seven approaching Chakotay, Kathryn interjected quickly. 

“Not now, Phoebe,” she hissed. 

Kathryn watched as Seven linked her arm with Chakotay’s and a pang of anger and annoyance shot through Kathryn. Kathryn could tell Seven looked a little overwhelmed with the small crowded space and he saw Chakotay give her an encouraging smile. The sight twisted Kathryn’s heart. Seven attempted to caress Chakotay’s arm but he politely pulled his arm free, and shot Kathryn a quick glance. She watched him give Seven an excuse and he left for the bar. He caught Kathryn’s gaze again as he walked away. Kathryn hoped that he couldn’t see just how much his exchange with Seven had affected her. She wanted him to see but at the same time she questioned...what did she want from him?


	7. Chapter 7

Kathryn was at her mother’s house in Indiana. The farmhouse was packed with extended family, old family friends, and neighbors. All excited to greet Kathryn and welcome her home. It was all overwhelming. She hugged great aunts and cousins, old friends of her father, people she didn’t even remember. It had been three weeks after her return and the interest in Voyager and her crew had not died down. After her promotion party, Kathryn hoped all the excitement of Voyager would have tapered off, but she was wrong. Kathryn got question after question about what it was like to be all alone in the Delta quadrant. As Kathryn moved from one crowded room to another, she silently wished Chakotay was there with her so he could read her mind the way he always could at functions like these and pull her away. After the first round of hugs, Kathryn pulled Phoebe aside to escape the crowded living room for the quiet of the kitchen. 

“You have to admit Mom can throw a good party,” said Phoebe. 

Kathryn nursed a drink while Phoebe poured more alcohol into her own glass. 

“She always does,” said Kathryn.

“She wanted to show you how many people love you,” said Phoebe.

“Or the idea of Voyager’s captain. The hero captain, larger than life,” said Kathryn glumly.

“I doubt that,” said Phoebe. 

“There are some people I don’t even know here. Like him,” said Kathryn, as she dragged her sister to the door and pointed out a tall thin balding man, “ I don’t even know him.” 

“Maybe Mom’s trying to set you up,” said Phoebe slyly.

“I wouldn’t put it past her,” said Kathryn. 

“I’m teasing, that’s Harold Fairweather, he’s mom’s co-worker. He’s quite the mathematician apparently.”

Kathryn looked to her sister, “Still it’s a little overwhelming.”

She leaned against the door jam. Kathryn knew Phoebe was keeping her secret about her affair with Chakotay. She didn’t tell a soul, especially her mother. It wasn’t as if Gretchen would disapprove but as Kathryn didn’t know how to classify what was happening between herself and Chakotay and the fact that technically, Chakotay was still dating Seven...it was just best her mother didn’t get her hopes up...or her own hopes for that matter. After what happened at her promotion party, Kathryn’s guilt slowly crept up on her over the entire situation.   
Seven...she had no idea that Chakotay was sneaking away to have sex with the very woman who taught her about humanity, about emotions, and establishing relationships with other people. If she ever found out....Kathryn knew full well Chakotay wouldn’t tell her. She would have been incredibly angry with Chakotay if he did. Seven was young and inexperienced, not to mention brand new to emotions. If Chakotay agreed to date Seven, he would be in for the long haul, helping to guide her in the positives of emotions. To help her see the good in it. That was the kind of man Chakotay was. Kathryn paused, going down this thought process made her feel incredibly hurt. She was supposed to be Seven’s mentor and friend, and yet here she was, the other woman. The woman who was secretly having very good sex with her boyfriend. How did she let this get so out of control?   
She would have to tell Chakotay, they needed to stop. Chakotay was a kind man, he wouldn’t want to hurt Seven either. But a small voice in Kathryn’s head said, but you don’t want to stop. No, we have to to stop. She raged a battle inside her head before Phoebe grabbed her attention. 

“You okay?” She asked. 

“Fine,” said Kathryn refocusing her attention into Phoebe, “Just tired of this party.”

“Well, I know something that will cheer you up,” said Phoebe, “that handsome first officer of yours is on his way here.”

“What?” said Kathryn, peering out into the crowd. 

Sure enough there was Chakotay, weaving his way through the crowd. He wore one of the new Starfleet uniforms. He looked good in it. His provisional rank bar was gone and his three circular commander’s pips stood proudly in line at his neck. 

“Hello, Kathryn,” said Chakotay as he reached the entrance to the kitchen. 

“Chakotay,” said Kathryn looking frantically for her mother in case she got any ideas that Chakotay was more than her former first officer. He was, a small voice reminded her. He’s been sharing your bed for weeks. 

“What are you doing here,” said Kathryn, pulling him into the kitchen. 

“Your sister invited me,” said Chakotay.

“You’re late,” said Phoebe.

“I had a previous engagement,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn had a sneaky suspicion that the previous engagement meant Seven but she pulled Chakotay away from Phoebe anyway and into the mud room right off the kitchen. It was dark, the only light came from the glow of the kitchen. The house’s power generator could be heard whirring away just outside. Gretchen Janeway’s rain boots stood propped up by the screen door that led to the backyard. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said but before she could finish her sentence, Chakotay had her pinned up against the wall. His hands were on either side of her head and his mouth on hers before she could take a breath. Kathryn couldn’t help it, she sagged against his body as her hands held his head. Her fingers gripped his hair. Every kiss felt like the first one. It was as new and exciting as if she was back in her quarters on Voyager and fantasizing about how it would feel. God, what he made her feel. She wanted to skip out on the rest of the party and drag Chakotay upstairs to her childhood bedroom. 

“I wanted to see you so badly tonight,” he rasped. 

“Me too,” admitted Kathryn. 

She felt her knees go weak. She wanted more. No! They had to stop. It wasn’t right, not when he was dating Seven.   
“Chakotay,” Kathryn said pulling her lips away from his, “We have to stop. We can’t...you’re with Seven…”

Chakotay ignored her and kissed her hard again. Kathryn let her objections disappear for a few seconds. 

“Chakotay…” she said regaining her cognitive functions once more. 

“Do you really want us to stop doing this?” He asked his mouth next to her ear. He slid his hand down and cupped her ass. He squeezed and Kathryn moaned quietly.

“Because I don’t want to,” said Chakotay. 

“Don’t stop,” she gasped.

Chakotay grinned before capturing her lips again and grinding his hips into hers. She knew it wouldn’t take long before they both were unable to stop themselves. So much for putting a stop to their affair but in this moment did it matter? Yes! Her mother and a half a dozen admirals were just a room away. 

“We can’t. Not here, my mother is just inside,” said Kathryn warningly. 

Kathryn could feel how aroused Chakotay was and if she didn’t have to make conversation with the people inside the house or face her mother, she would have let Chakotay have his way with her. Something about him made her wild with lust. Kathryn rested her head against the wall, intendeding to enjoy a few more minutes of pure pleasure when Phoebe interrupted them, clearing her throat loudly. 

“Mom’s looking for you,” she said, “She sent me to find you.” 

Chakotay lowered his arms and looked interested in studying Gretchen’s rain boots, as he turned his back. Kathryn suspected he was trying to calm himself down. She didn’t blame him. The last thing he needed was to walk around a party with several admirals in attendance with a raging hard-on. Kathryn gave Chakotay a sympathetic look which he missed as his back was still towards her, then followed her sister back to the party.   
Kathryn absentmindedly smoothed her dress as she weaved through the crowd. She found her mother speaking to a young admiral, Marshall Stark, whom she knew by name but had never met in person before. 

“Kathryn,” called Gretchen when she saw her approach, “Come here, dear. I want you to meet Marshall. He’s a newly minted admiral like you. You two should chat.” 

Kathryn knew this was a ploy by her mother to set her up with a man she thought Kathryn would like. Marshall was handsome, tall, blond and young. Very young, Kathryn thought. He was probably promoted because of the Federation’s war with the Dominion. Kathryn smiled politely at him. All the while wanting nothing more than to return to the mudroom to feel Chakotay’s hands on her.

“Nice to meet the Captain of Voyager,” said Marshall and he stuck out his hand with a wide smile. 

They shook hands.   
“Admiral,” said Kathryn. 

“Marshall, please. I hate being referred to by my rank, especially among peers,” said Marshall, “Congratulations on your promotion, by the way.” 

“Thank you,” said Kathryn. 

“It’s a big adjustment, leaving the captain’s chair. Saying goodbye to your ship,” said Marshall sympathetically. 

“Oh, I’m not saying goodbye to Voyager. I’m overseeing her refit and soon, she’ll be slotted for use when I need to get more hands on during missions,” said Kathryn. 

Marshall looked surprised, “Well, here’s to keeping what we love.”

He raised his drink in the air in a toast and Kathryn smiled. She let her gaze slip away from Marshall and she found Chakotay standing on the opposite side of the room, watching her. Phoebe slid up beside him and gave him the once over before launching into conversation much to Chakotay’s surprise. 

“So, Starfleet probably gave you an generous amount of leave, how are you enjoying your time off?” asked Marshall. 

“Fine. I have so much time on my hands I don’t know what to do with myself,” admitted Kathryn. 

“That’s why I never take leave. There’s too much to do but that’s Starfleet life. It’s what we signed up for,” said Marshall happily. 

Kathryn wasn’t sure if she agreed with the sentiment. She enjoyed shore leave and finding time to do things she enjoyed that lay beyond the bridge of a starship, but the lack of knowing what will come next threw her off balance. There were a lot of things that threw her off balance these days. The way Chakotay’s hands gripped her hips or the way he moaned her name, for example. She pushed the thought aside, she needed to focus. 

“What division are you in charge of?” asked Kathryn, resigning to the fact that if she didn’t at least get a little information about this man, her mother would undoubtedly express her disappointment. 

“Earth’s rebuilding efforts after the Breen attack. Our resources were stretched pretty thin during the war and we found we had too many vulnerabilities. So they picked the best man for the job,” Marshall said proudly. 

Kathryn thought Marshall was completely full of himself. 

“I’m sure they did and I bet you have your work cut out for you,” said Kathryn. 

“Well, if you ever want to spend some of your copious amount of downtime helping to distract a man from the endless montonity of work, I’ll always say yes to dinner,” said Marshall, smiling. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Kathryn. 

She looked around for her sister, hoping Phoebe would be able to whisk her away but found only Chakotay standing alone, drinking and watching her from across the room. Kathryn raised her eyebrows at him and fiddled with her combadge, which she had pinned to her dress, more out of habit than anything else. Chakotay smirked and Kathryn knew he understood that a rescue was in order. She saw him set down his drink and make his way over to her before Kathryn turned her attention back to Marshall.   
Chakotay was at her side before she had time to think of another polite topic to discuss with Marshall the megalomaniac. 

“Excuse me,” said Chakotay, placing a hand at the small of Kathryn’s back, “but I need to steal away my former captain for a minute.” 

Chakotay’s hand felt hot through her dress and suddenly Kathryn had to fight a strong urge to slide his hand lower. She needed to feel him in places where he shouldn’t be touching her in public. The urge was so strong, Kathryn regretfully lamented that they didn’t have Voyager’s transporters to whisk them away. 

“Ah, you must be her first officer, the Maquis man,” said Marshall. 

Marshall spoke with a professional manner but his tone made it clear, he looked down on Chakotay simply because he was with the Maquis. It only solidified Kathryn’s dislike of the man. 

“I was Kathryn’s first officer on Voyager, yes,” said Chakotay and Kathryn could tell his didn’t miss Marshall’s tone either and took notice of the man’s veiled insult. 

“Excuse us,” said Kathryn, before she led Chakotay away, past Marshall, and out to the front of the house before Chakotay could press the issue of Marshall’s disdain. 

They escaped to the foyer and spoke softly. 

“Who was that guy?” said Chakotay in a hard voice. 

“Someone my mother thought I would like. I have no idea why,” said Kathryn. 

“Is this party just for potential suitors?” Chakotay said and looked back into the room, “The room is full of other admirals.”

“Only partially,” argued Kathryn, thinking of her mother’s coworker, “My mother will never admit to trying to set me up though,” said Kathryn, turning to looking back into the living room, intending to ascertain Marshall’s whereabouts in order to avoid him.

“So, why don’t we get out of here and away from that egotistical jerk,” said Chakotay, moving to press his body up against hers. His chest against Kathryn’s back. Chakotay ran his hands down her sides until they rested at her hips. 

“Come on,” Chakotay said, whispering into her ear, “If we escape now, we can be naked in a few minutes.”

Kathryn closed her eyes for a few seconds at the delightful thought. She wanted nothing more than to turn around and rip Chakotay’s clothes off right there in the foyer but Kathryn knew she still had the responsibility of a diplomat and the Janeway family member role of host to play. She did indulge herself for a few seconds, pushing her body back against this. 

“I’d love to, you know I would, but I have to stay until the end, I promised my mother.”

“I’ll stay too.”

“You don’t need to, if you have someplace to be,” said Kathryn, thinking of Seven. 

“Not tonight,” said Chakotay.

Kathryn turned to look at him. Chakotay looked into her eyes, his own smoldering, and Kathryn took his meaning to be, he’d wait for the party to end so he could follow her back to her new apartment where they would have a party all their own. 

“Well then, we’ll just have to make plans for later, won’t we? This party can’t last much longer,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay let his hand trail down her arm, “Or we could sneak upstairs now,” he suggested.

“My mother will notice I’m gone and I’d never hear the end of it from Phoebe,” said Kathryn. 

“They don’t know what’s going on.”

“Phoebe does,” said Kathryn, “I told her.”

“You told her about...what we’re doing?” asked Chakotay in surprise. Kathryn could hear just a hint of panic in his voice too. 

“She’s my sister she won’t spread it around,” Kathryn said defiantly. 

“That explains her unsurprised behavior when she caught us earlier,” said Chakotay thoughtfully. 

“Did she say anything to you?” said Kathryn, suddenly curious. 

“Nothing about the two of us,” said Chakotay, “but I could tell she was holding back something that she really wanted to talk about. Does she know about…”

They were interrupted again by none other than Phoebe, who came whipping around the corner. Kathryn had no doubt that Chakotay was going to ask if Phoebe knew about Seven and Kathryn was thankful that Phoebe’s entrance let that question die.

“You too just can’t stay away from each other can you?” said Phoebe. 

Kathryn gave her sister a look, trying to express that now was not the time to discuss this. Chakotay looked a little uneasy and Kathryn didn’t blame him. He probably felt guilt for the realization that Phoebe knew about their affair. She most certainly did...some of the time. 

“Mom’s wrapping things up, you’ll probably have to make some speech thanking everyone. Come on,” said Phoebe.

She pulled Kathryn away and back into the crowded room. Kathryn did indeed need to make a thank you speech. Pulling every bit of diplomacy skills she used on Voyager, making the crowd laugh and feel grateful at the same time. All the while, eyeing Chakotay in the crowd where he stood next to Phoebe in the back. Her mind decidedly elsewhere, lost in memory of her last night with Chakotay and the idea of what tonight would bring. She flushed at the thought and Kathryn decided it would be best to try to avoid Chakotay’s eyes as she finished her speech. The last thing she wanted was to be caught in front of a room full of admirals. 

Afterwards, as the guests were leaving, Kathryn caught Chakotay lingering by the front door. With her mother standing in the entryway, Chakotay justified his late departure by offering to walk Kathryn home. Gretchen smiled at him as she hugged her daughter goodnight. Kathryn’s heart began to race as she and Chakotay walked down the dirt path away from the Janeway homestead and to the transporter station. She carefully avoided Chakotay’s gaze, for fear that she would of throw all caution into the wind and start kissing him right then and there. 

At her apartment, Chakotay’s hands traveled down Kathryn’s body from her ribs to her hips, feeling her curves as she unlocked the front door. 

“Let’s finish what we started at your mother’s,” said Chakotay, pulling her into his arms as they entered the apartment and slamming the door shut behind them with his foot. 

“I thought about this all night,” Kathryn said as she tugged his uniform jacket off of him. 

“Me too,” Chakotay breathed and he unzipped her dress. 

They left a trail of clothes leading back to her bedroom. They were on the bed, naked and moaning before Kathryn could form another coherent thought. 

“Your mother shouldn’t be trying to set you...” but Chakotay couldn’t finish his sentence as Kathryn’s hands caressed his hard cock. 

He groaned. Chakotay’s fingers slid between her thighs and Kathryn was writhing and moaning in pleasure. Kathryn came with a loud shriek and her hands gripping the bed sheets. 

“He will never know you like I do,” said Chakotay quietly. 

Kathryn knew he meant Marshall Stark, and she was sure Chakotay was right. No one knew her as Chakotay did. He was her best friend, her first officer, aware of her every mood and tendency, and now, a very passionate lover. Kathryn rolled onto her stomach, Chakotay helped her raise up onto her hands and knees. Chakotay’s hands gripped her hips tightly as he entered her. It came as no surprise when he pounded her. Kathryn was used to the aggressive tendencies in him by now. It was the boxer in him. She always imagined he would be a very intense lover. It sent a thrill of excitement through her. This is what she craved tonight. If it was anyone else she would have been annoyed, but since it was Chakotay, it was different. Tonight he was a little more possessive than he had ever been in the past. Kathryn found it a little surprising and wondered if Chakotay was jealous of the attention she received from Marshall Stark. The thought was appealing. Maybe if he was jealous enough, Chakotay would ditch Seven and profess undying love for her. Kathryn stopped herself. It was unlikely a situation like that would happen. She reminded herself again, she wasn’t in an overly dramatic romance holonovel. 

Still, by the way Chakotay snapped his hips from his position behind her, it was feasible that he was jealous. Kathryn arched her back as her body tingled with excitement at the thought. Maybe...just maybe it would tip the scales in her favor...but before Kathryn could dwell on it, Chakotay’s fingers came into contact with her clit and all thought but of how badly she wanted him by her side forever disappeared from her mind. Kathryn came screaming Chakotay’s name. Chakotay shouted her name and he held himself buried deep inside her. She felt the hot rush of fluid as he emptied inside her and Kathryn collapsed on the bed. Kathryn lay in a sweating, heaving, boneless mess, Chakotay next to her in an equally relaxed state. My God it was good. Kathryn rolled over, molding her body to his and placing a hand on Chakotay’s sweaty chest. She felt his heart beat rapidly and slowly return to normal as they lay in her bed. 

“I didn’t like you talking to Stark” Chakotay said as he tried to catch his breath. So, he was jealous after all. 

“I didn’t either, why do you think I called you over to rescue me?” said Kathryn, caressing his chest in small circles with her fingers, “He’s very full of himself. Not at all my type.” 

“What is your type?”

“The opposite of Marshall,” Kathryn said quickly, not wanting to express how she now thought of tall, dark, handsome men with broad shoulders and a soft spoken powerful presence as the man in her fantasies. Too often than not they featured one in particular with a tattoo and dimples. She wasn’t sure why she stopped herself. Perhaps she wasn’t ready to express her feelings. Did she really know what they were? She cared for Chakotay but could it really be...love? She wanted it to be. So badly. 

“You don’t feel threatened do you?” Kathryn asked. 

“No,” Chakotay answered. His answer was so quick that Kathryn felt like there was more than what he let on. 

They lay in the quiet of her bedroom. Kathryn was slowly getting used to her new apartment. Its sounds and smells seemed foreign and it wasn’t until Chakotay had joined her tonight that she realized what threw her off. It wasn’t Voyager. It wasn’t her quarters or Chakotay’s. There wasn’t a familiar hum of the warp core that could be heard from every corner. Voyager’s oxygen recyclers weren’t necessary on Earth and Kathryn found she missed their particular whir as well. She even missed her replicator, in its reluctant stubborn glory. The one in her apartment worked well. Give it time, she thought, it’ll hate me just like Voyager’s replicator did. She snuggled closer to Chakotay and it was some time before he spoke. 

“So, this promotion is really going to stick?” Chakotay asked.

“Looks like it,” said Kathryn. 

“That puts two steps of rank between us now,” said Chakotay. Kathryn knew this very thought had been weighing on his mind for a while. 

“I suppose so,” replied Kathryn. 

Familiar words came back to her, as if haunting her subconscious - we need to define parameters about us. She set those parameters on New Earth for fear of what a personal relationship would bring to the table and the fear of those unknown consequences. It was based in the rank structure. Not to mention, that she was the captain and he her first officer, it was unprofessional...so why did the words haunt her now? She wasn’t his captain anymore. She didn’t still view him as a subordinate, did she? 

They didn’t say much else. Kathryn assumed both of them didn’t know what to say. Kathryn wasn’t sure if she could tease Chakotay about being jealous. He wasn’t really the jealous type...but a small voice reminded her of the time he stopped by the holodeck and interrupted her time with Michael Sullivan...if that wasn’t jealousy then….what was it? Soon, Kathryn fell asleep in the quiet of her newly unpacked apartment, wrapped in Chakotay’s arms.


	8. Chapter 8

Surprisingly, Chakotay was there when Kathryn woke up the next morning. He was already awake and stood next to the bed on the opposite side. He dressed. Kathryn sat up, pulled the bed sheet up around her chest and watched as Chakotay pulled on his uniform jacket. Her apartment bedroom had a large window and through it the golden glow of the morning poured into the room making Chakotay’s skin look more golden than usual. She admired his features briefly before needing to breach the silence. 

“Are you leaving?” she said. 

“I have to,” said Chakotay with a soft smile, “I’m meeting some of the staff at Starfleet Academy, they want me to consider a teaching position again. I need to get back to shower and get ready,” he added with a shrug.

“That’s fine,” said Kathryn quickly and she brushed her hair away from her face, “You’d be a good teacher,” she added, trying not to show her disappointment that he had to leave so soon. 

Chakotay smiled in appreciation, “I’ll contact you later,” he said, zipping up his jacket.

Chakotay put one knee on the bed and bent down low to kiss Kathryn. She didn’t have any intention of letting him leave with just a simple peck goodbye. Kathryn gripped his head pulling him to her and her tongue plunged into his mouth. Chakotay groaned as he climbed back onto the bed, pressing his body to hers. His warm body covered her as she bent backwards, dragging him with her. 

“I can’t, I really do have to go,” said Chakotay before pulling away, “I should be done by lunch. You free?” 

“I’ll be here,” said Kathryn with a seductive smile. 

He grinned back and both of them knew they wouldn't be able to think about anything else until they saw each other again. 

 

Kathryn’s shore leave ended and she was back at work. Although she did enjoy reconnecting with her sister, visiting with her mother, and having time to reflect on her seven year journey through the Delta quadrant, Kathryn was ready to work again. She started her new assignment at Starfleet Headquarters. After all this time, she still believed in the principles and ideals that Starfleet and the Federation represented. The thrill of exploration was still inside her. Nights spent gazing up at the Indiana sky, reminded her of her love for the stars. While she may not be up there as often, Starfleet Command promised Kathryn that she would be able to have a more hands on role, just as she expected from them. If she was to become an Admiral, she’d be the best she could, and that meant getting her hands dirty from time to time. She moved into her fourth floor office at Starfleet Headquarters and met her aide, a young Vulcan male, almost right out of the Academy, named Decan. He was thoughtful, as most Vulcans were and took particular care in organizing her day. It made Kathryn wish for his assistance when she was on Voyager. She had an assistant on Voyager, Kathryn suddenly remembered, Naomi Wildman. Kathryn smiled at the memory of that adorable child. She’d have to see how Decan compared to her first Captain’s Assistant. 

Chakotay had surprised her on her first day at her new job with a small gift. A framed photo of the Voyager senior staff. They sat in the mess hall, huddled around a table, it looked like the party after Tom and B’Elanna’s wedding. Kathryn was sitting next to Chakotay, her hand rested on his forearm and his hand on top of hers. Attached to the frame was a note which read,   
“To the journey” 

The sentiment Tom expressed before they planned the dangerous mission into the Borg transwarp conduit. Kathryn placed the frame on her desk, looking at the smiles of her former staff. She admired Tom’s words and what they meant. They really grew as close as a family out there. She often sat, as she did now, with her chin in her hand as she gazed at the photo. They looked good together, she and Chakotay, smiling as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Even if they were stuck in the Delta quadrant. Perhaps the experience out there wasn’t all bad. 

Kathryn was snapped out of her thoughts by an incoming call on her desktop monitor. She accepted the call and Chakotay’s face filled the screen. He was in his office at Starfleet Academy, she could see the other academy buildings out the window behind him. Her heart leapt at seeing his face on the screen. As strange as it was to be working in different buildings and not seeing him in a professional capacity everyday, they made up for it with almost daily lunches. 

“Hey,” said Chakotay. 

“Hey yourself,” Kathryn replied, her lip curling up at the side in small smile. 

“Free for lunch?”

Kathryn leaned forward in her chair, smiling at the grin that crossed Chakotay’s face. 

“I think I could be persuaded,” she said playfully.

In all honesty, she thought of little else around lunch time lately. Chakotay’s dimpled smile made her knees go weak and her heart to start to race. She had been attracted to other men before but this was different. This was bubbling with excitement all day, having your toes curl at lunch, and again late at night kind of attraction. It was an intense mind altering experience. 

“Meet me at your place in fifteen minutes?” Chakotay asked, flashing his dimples in a way he knew she couldn’t resist. 

“Fifteen minutes,” Kathryn confirmed. 

It would take about fifteen minutes to get to her apartment if she left now. Kathryn stood from her desk, her whole body buzzed with anticipation and desire. She signed off of her desktop monitor and headed for the door. Her legs already felt shaky at the idea of how quick and intense her liaison with Chakotay will be in just fifteen minutes time. Their lunch time connections usually were quick. Not that she minded. Frankly, she was thrilled they had been able to keep going for this long. It gave her hope. Even if they never did talk about Seven. Or if what they were doing was sustainable? Or anything. It was just sex and at first Kathryn was fine with that, or so she told herself she was, but now...she wasn’t sure she was fine after all. They had fallen into this routine, finding stolen moments each day, sometimes twice a day. It fit into their schedule pretty well and Kathryn found the idea of something interrupting their routine quite distasteful. 

“Decan, I’ll be going out for lunch,” Kathryn said to her aide as she walked past his desk. 

Decan stood and began to follow her. 

“You’re not coming Decan,” Kathryn said rather rudely but she had her heart set on meeting up with Chakotay. Nothing was going to stand in her way of a little lunch time sex. 

“I understand,” replied Decan, “however there is a situation arising on Romulus that you must be made aware of.” 

“After lunch,” Kathryn said waving a hand in dismissal as she walked to the turbolifts. 

“I understand, said Decan, ignoring her, “Several Romulan senators have been assassinated and Starfleet Intelligence suggests that a Reman is behind it.”

That caught Kathryn’s attention. A Reman. The Romulans kept them enslaved for decades and now a Reman was responsible for the destruction of the Romulan senate. Interesting. Or frightening, Kathryn wasn’t sure which. She paused and turned to Decan. 

“Verify as much as you can with Starfleet Intelligence,” said Kathryn, fighting the urge to either learn more about the situation or to stafisy her labido, “Confirm what you can and have a report on my desk in two hours.” 

Kathryn boarded the turbolift, her labido safely winning this round. 

“Right away, Admiral,” Decan said and he hurried back to his desk. 

Kathryn sighed as the turbolift whisked her down to the lobby. She made it to her apartment in twenty minutes. Chakotay was waiting outside. 

“I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up,” he said before pulling her into his arms. 

He entered her code and pulled her inside with him. He was removing her clothing before Kathryn could apologize for being late. She lost herself in his kiss. In the feel of his hands as they pulled and tugged her uniform off of her. He was so urgent. It felt good to be wanted so badly. She practically tore his jacket off. They made their way to her bedroom but not before Chakotay pressed her up the nearest wall down the hallway. He thrust his hips at her, his erection grinding against her as his pants lay open where Kathryn had thrust her hand down moments before. 

They stripped their remaining clothing, knowing that speed was of the essence right now. Waiting wasn’t an option. Going slow wasn’t an option. She needed him, now. A crisis with the Romulans was not what she wanted to focus on at the moment. She needed a distraction and right now, she wanted to feel, only to feel. Thankfully, as with every time, Chakotay felt the same, at least in his eagerness. Kathryn lay on her back and Chakotay climbed on top of her, his broad shoulders dwarfed hers and Kathryn sighed as she caressed them. Chakotay was kissing her lips, her neck, and a particularly sensitive spot just below her ear making her moan. Ever since he discovered that spot he always made a point to hit it. Kathryn sighed as he moved lower and lower kissing his way down her body. All she could feel were Chakotay’s lips, tongue, and fingers as she came around his mouth.  
She arched up and Chakotay placed a hand on her hip as he helped her ride out her orgasm. Her hips thrusting as she cried out in pleasure. As she came to, Chakotay had her thighs spread wide as he positioned himself. He stared at her, concentrating on her reactions as he slowly pushed inside. He was always slow at first but Kathryn knew it was because he enjoyed watching her face as he first entered her. He grinned a little as Kathryn moaned, tilting her head back on her pillow. Chakotay snapped his hips forward, driving himself fully into her. 

“Oh!” Kathryn cried, the feeling of him filling her so completely was so so good. 

Chakotay groaned as he ground his hips to hers. He pushed her thighs up, spreading them wider as he pulled back and surged forward. Again and again, his deep thrusts causing Kathryn to jerk in pleasure against him. 

“My God!” Kathryn gasped. 

“Yeah, come on,” Chakotay said. 

His fingers joined in the mix. He stroked her clit, causing Kathryn to toss her head from side to side in frustrated delight. She wrapped her legs around his hips and after a few dozen strokes, she was there! Flying in that state of oblivion again. She could barely register the feel of Chakotay’s pistoning hips as he pounded her searching for his own release. 

“Fuck, this is good,” he rasped before Chakotay shouted Kathryn’s name and groaned loudly as he came. 

He buried his face in her neck, as his hips moved involuntarily, then stilled. He rolled off of her as they each caught their breath. As Kathryn calmed down, her heart rate returning to normal, and the delectable after sex feeling of every muscle in her body relaxing. As her body eased into its relaxed state, thoughts of the situation with the Romulans came rushing back. She lay in silence as Chakotay dozed, as he almost always did immediately afterwards. If the reports were true, Starfleet would indeed need to be on alert. She sat up, swinging her legs off the bed. She put a hand to her forehead, thinking. Chakotay woke and sat up behind her. When she didn’t turn around, Kathryn felt his hands slide up and down the side of her hip and the curve of her ass. 

“What’s the matter?” said Chakotay

“Nothing,” said Kathryn, “I’m just thinking.” 

“About what?” 

“Work,” 

“I see,” said Chakotay, sounding slightly annoyed. 

“A situation is brewing and I just want a distraction from it. It could be much more serious and I don’t think Starfleet is ready for it,” said Kathryn. 

“So, I’m just a distraction?” asked Chakotay. 

Kathryn turned to him. Sweat made his hair stick to his forehead in places and Kathryn could see a hickey forming at the crook of his neck. She didn’t even remember kissing him there. 

“You’re more than that,” Kathryn said seriously. 

Chakotay didn’t reply but looked down to where his hand caressed her hip. 

“I don’t have to be back for another half an hour. Want to do it again?” he asked, eagerly. 

“I really should get back to the office. This situation is pretty serious,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay didn’t meet her eyes when he nodded in understanding. The pulls of her job as an admiral were becoming an increasing bit of friction between them. Now, Chakotay was privy to even less information than when he was on Voyager. He didn’t like it and his comments about rank still standing in the way, tugged at her mind. In the way of what? Kathryn didn’t ask. She didn’t want to have that conversation. Not now. Kathryn knew that if they did she’d issue an ultimatum. Leave Seven. And she didn’t want to do that. She was afraid of the outcome. She didn’t want to lose him, she was sure of that much. 

“Hey,” said Kathryn, placing her hand on his arm and feeling the need to reassure him that he wasn’t just a distraction, “How about dinner tonight?”

Now Chakotay really didn’t meet her eyes. He looked down and concentrated on the rumpled bed sheets. 

“I can’t…” he said. 

“Seven,” said Kathryn, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach. 

She removed her hand from his arm. This affair, it felt more between the two of them, not herself, Chakotay, and Seven. It was almost as if it was something they had been working toward. Seven shouldn’t have been a factor and yet she was. Kathryn felt nauseated. This was fate paying her back for making it back to Earth. She did it, but now her love life was just as complicated as life was out in the Delta quadrant. 

Kathryn suddenly felt exposed, even a little betrayed. She knew from the beginning it was like this. But it always felt as if Chakotay wanted her more. Was she wrong? Did she completely misinterpret every experience she had with him?

“Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this?” Kathryn said hating every word that came out of her mouth. 

“It’s not like that,” said Chakotay urgently, trying to get Kathryn to look at him. He slid up close behind her. His chest pressed against her back. Kathryn couldn’t help but close her eyes at the contact. Chakotay slid his hands down Kathryn’s arms. 

“You’re the only one I’m sleeping with,” he said, in a voice so quiet Kathryn was sure that if she wasn’t paying attention she would have missed it. 

Kathryn had to admit she was relieved to hear him say that. All the same, the very thought of his relationship with Seven made her skin crawl. Did he kiss her too? Did he caress her arms and hold Seven the way he did with her? 

“We should get dressed,” said Kathryn and she stood up. 

Chakotay didn’t argue and in the early afternoon sun that spilled through her bedroom window, they dressed in their crisp Starfleet uniforms in silence. Kathryn’s appetite was gone. She wanted to get away from Chakotay. She didn’t want to think about his words, his hands, or the feel of him as thoughts of his relationship with Seven swam around in her head. 

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said pleadingly as they exited her apartment.

“I really need to get back to the office, this situation could escalate at any minute,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay grabbed her hand. 

“Please...I mean it, it’s not like that with…” said Chakotay but he trailed off when Kathryn raised her eyebrow in his direction, her gaze fixed on the floor. 

Chakotay let go of her hand and Kathryn left him standing alone outside her apartment.


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay tried to call her later that afternoon. That afternoon turned into a week and Kathryn didn’t always answer his calls. She mentally told herself that ordering Decan to divert Chakotay’s calls was necessary. She needed the space. Thoughts of him sharing tender words with Seven or even the idea of him holding her hand made Kathryn sick to her stomach. Jealousy wasn’t her way. What about Riley Frazier, a small voice reminded her. You were jealous of her. Kathryn shook the memory of that woman from her head. When she did speak to Chakotay, she rejected his invitations to lunch. Knowing that that meant no sex. She wasn’t trying to punish him, no in fact, she thought it more of a punishment for herself. They shouldn’t be sneaking around behind Seven’s back. She was the ‘other woman’ and that wasn’t something Kathryn was proud of. 

She needed to work out her own feelings. The intensity of her disappointment that Chakotay was making plans with Seven instead of ending things made confronting Chakotay currently difficult. Who was she kidding? Did she really think she could pull Chakotay away from a stunningly beautiful young woman like Seven? Kathryn looked at reflection in her office window. She looked tired, as if the years in the Delta quadrant had permanently set lines on her face and small bags under her eyes. Although, she did feel as if she had a healthy glow about her and Kathryn attributed it to the amount of sex she’d been having, Kathryn felt a little distance between her and Chakotay would be a good thing, for now. When Kathryn played back his messages, Chakotay looked miserable and Kathryn tried not to think that it was just because he wanted to have sex. Kathryn wanted to believe that it was because he missed her. Chakotay didn’t say it out right, perhaps he wasn’t sure either. One particular message tugged at Kathryn’s heartstrings. 

“Please, Kathryn...can we just talk?” Chakotay said. His face was troubled and weary, as if he wasn’t getting enough sleep.   
She almost reached out to him then...almost. 

She felt childish. Why was it so hard to express how she felt? She wasn’t always this way. She was very open and upfront with Justin, her first fiancé, and then with Mark, but now, with Chakotay...it was as if something told her to be wary. Maybe Chakotay was right, it was the separation of rank that was making her cautious? Was she concerned about what Starfleet would think? Chakotay was still a commander. Starfleet should have promoted him but hadn’t, probably as punishment for joining the Maquis. Well, Kathryn would petition from the sidelines to change that. Chakotay deserved a promotion, even if he was teaching at the Academy. It was well earned aboard Voyager. Was she so snobbish to believe that rank mattered? It may have mattered on Voyager. They needed the command structure. They needed the professional distance otherwise things would have been complicated. No more than how complicated things were now, she thought. 

Kathryn sat down at her desk. She tried to take her mind off of Chakotay and how much she missed his touch by reading one of the final reports on Voyager’s refit. Despite her efforts, Kathryn’s thoughts trailed back to the problem at the forefront of her mind. Chakotay. If rank was her concern, then she was being foolish. The parameters she set in order to maintain the rank structure on Voyager didn’t apply here on Earth and her older self, Admiral Janeway came back in time to prevent a timeline where Chakotay and Seven would marry. Kathryn felt a quick sense of dread wash coldly over her. She didn’t like that thought at all. The idea of Chakotay marrying Seven, sharing a home with her, having children...No. It wasn’t right. She didn’t spend seven years working closely with Chakotay, getting to know him, sharing almost everything with him, for it to be thrown away.   
Then, an idea hit her as sharply as if she was back on Voyager and a torpedo blast rocked the ship. Kathryn actually gripped her desk for support. She wasn’t going to lie down and give in to a miserable, sad, fate. Kathryn Janeway did not quit when it got tough, she kept her shirt tucked in and went down with the ship. This particular ship was Chakotay. She would fight for him. Even if she wasn’t sure how. Even if Kathryn was nervous to find out if a real relationship would work. She had to try. She was a Janeway. 

She had to find him and speak with him, now. That is, if he wasn’t too angry with her for ignoring his calls. It wouldn’t be the first time she had made him angry. Kathryn looked at her chromometer. It was 1600 hours, Chakotay would be at the gym. He had been going a lot lately. He mentioned it briefly and Kathryn suspected he was attempting to lose weight. She came up with a plan, confirmed everything and was out her office door and standing in front of Decan before she could talk herself out of her plan. 

“Decan, I’m heading out for the evening. I want you to confirm that I will be attending the upcoming Federation conference in Paris. So, I’ll be gone for three days,” said Kathryn. 

Decan looked surprised, or as surprised as a Vulcan could be, and raised an eyebrow. 

“Shall I accompany you to the conference?” he asked. 

That was not part of Kathryn’s plan at all. No matter how much she liked Decan, the last thing she needed was a Vulcan man to follow her around, silently judging, silently anticipating her every mood, especially when what she had planned was solely a two person activity. One which Decan most certainly would not be participating in with her. 

“No, thank you Decan. Man the fort here.”

Decan tilted his head at the Earth expression but understood all the same. Kathryn said goodnight and left Decan to finalize her schedule for the next day. Kathryn rode the turbolift down the lobby of Starfleet Headquarters. She was leaving earlier than she usually did, so the lobby didn’t have it’s bustle of admirals and support staff leaving for the day. Kathryn entered the grounds and walked toward Starfleet Academy. She always loved the Academy grounds. Boothby, the groundskeeper kept everything immaculate. As Kathryn walked down a stone path, she passed her favorite elm tree where she used to sit and study. Boothby would sometimes give her a freshly cut rose before she left for her dorm after a long afternoon pouring over quantum mechanics papers. Kathryn beelined for the building that housed the Academy gymnasium. She knew Chakotay would be there and her plan was to surprise him and speak with him in a place that didn’t involve them stripping each other’s clothes off. Kathryn meandered through the halls until she heard the familiar thumps that signaled a nearby boxing ring. That was where Chakotay would be. 

The room that held the boxing ring was brightly lit with the ring in the center. Benches surrounded the ring and beyond those on either side of the room hung heavy bags, speed bags, and weights. Kathryn entered and saw Chakotay in the ring. Boothby was there too and Kathryn smiled at the sight of her old mentor. Boothby was leaning against the ropes, shouting hints to Chakotay and gruffly encouraging him. Chakotay weaved and dodged his opponent, another Academy instructor whom Kathryn assumed was the boxing instructor. Kathryn approached the ring and sat on one of the benches. Chakotay caught her movement out of the corner of his eye and looked at her. His surprise was evident on his face. In the split second Chakotay took to admire Kathryn the boxing instructor took advantage and threw a right hook right at the side of Chakotay’s head. Chakotay stumbled, momentarily dazed from the contact. Kathryn winced but couldn’t stop the smile that popped up on her face. So, she could still distract him, that was a good sign. 

Boothby looked around to see what had drew Chakotay’s attention and saw Kathryn sitting on the nearest bench. He smiled at her, in his gruff manner, then turned back to Chakotay. 

“Have you keep your head in the game, son, otherwise that happens,” said Boothby. 

Chakotay shook his head, as if trying to shake off the pain he felt. He hit his gloves together and raised them, facing his opponent. He stole another glance at Kathryn. 

“Stop looking at the beautiful woman and focus,” said Boothby. 

Chakotay ignored him and bounced on his toes, waiting for his opponent to make a move. Kathryn watched Chakotay dodge more attacks. He was looking good. Boothby meanered his way over to her and sat next to her.

“Kathryn Janeway, back from the Delta quadrant,” said Boothby, “I always knew you’d go far, but I didn’t expect that.”   
Kathryn smiled at him, a real, genuine smile, “Boothby...it’s been a long time.” 

“And you’ve been back how long and haven’t come to visit me until now?” 

“Well, here I am,” said Kathryn, raising her arms out to her sides as if to display her physical presence. 

“It’s not me you’ve come to see,” said Boothby looking back to Chakotay, who ducked under a jab and weaved way from his opponent. Sweat dripped from his forehead as he moved. “He was doing well before you showed up. You’re quite the distraction.”

“Well, despite my distracting appearance, this seems to be doing him some good,” Kathryn smiled, as she pointed to the boxing ring and the ongoing fight. 

“Lost half a stump. If he keeps going, he’ll be the Maquis Mauler again,” said Boothby.

“Maquis Mauler?” 

“That’s what they called him after he left Starfleet. Hell of a boxer, but he let himself go a little,” Boothby said, patting his stomach. He looked at Kathryn, “Don’t worry, I’ll whip him back into shape.” 

“You always did have a way of motivating people,” said Kathryn. 

“I remember a certain someone needing a reminder to see the beauty of things around them, not just in science textbooks.” 

“And I appreciated the roses you delivered, in fact, on Voyager, I liked to keep fresh flowers in my quarters,” said Kathryn. 

“Good, at least something I taught you stuck,” smiled Boothby.

They turned their attention back to Chakotay, who was sweating more now as the boxing instructor increased the pace of his attacks. His shirt stuck to his chest and Kathryn could see more definition in his muscles. She had to admit, it was very attractive and allowed herself to fantasize about what Chakotay would look like with that shirt off of him. 

“Let’s see if he remembers not to drop his right,” said Boothby more so to himself than to Kathryn. 

Chakotay parried an attacked and raised his glove back up to protect his chin. 

“Good,” said Boothby. 

A bell rang and the computer announced the end of the round. The boxing instructor lowered his gloves and put a sweaty arm around Chakotay’s shoulders. 

“Good fight, keep that up and you’ll be back to your old self in no time,” the instructor said before he turned to leave the ring. 

Chakotay pulled off his gloves and dropped them in the corner of the ring before grabbing a towel. He wiped the sweat from his face and neck before he ducked under the ropes and hopped down from the ring. 

“Good fight today, son, but next time try not to be so distracted,” said Boothby, he eyed Kathryn before leaving to speak to the boxing instructor. 

Chakotay leaned against the ropes of the ring. His chest rising and falling as he cooled down from his workout. He drank from a bottle of water, keeping his eyes on Kathryn as if trying to figure out why she was there. 

“You look good,” said Kathryn, standing from the bench. “You’ve lost weight.” 

Chakotay grinned, “Well, it was time.” 

Kathryn made a show of looking Chakotay up and down. Chakotay’s dark eyes roamed over her as well. A warmth coursed through her that had nothing to do with the sweaty gym. 

“I, uh...feel terrible for ignoring your calls,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay hung his head, “I was feeling a little rejected but you had every right to be angry. After all, I...” his words failed him as he looked a little ashamed. 

“Well, let me make it up to you,” said Kathryn quickly, stepping closer to Chakotay, “There’s a Federation conference in Paris coming up next weekend. For three days…”

Chakotay looked as if a conference was the last thing he’d want to go to but Kathryn wasn’t dissuaded. She played with the hem of Chakotay’s t-shirt. Her fingers lightly brushing his hot skin underneath the fabric. 

“Would you like to come with me? I could use the company and it would be good for you to meet some of the higher ups in the Federation.” 

“Good for my career, huh?” said Chakotay, looking down to where Kathryn’s fingers played with the waistband of his shorts. 

“It could be… and we would have evenings free,” said Kathryn looking up at him from under her eyelashes, a smirk on her face, “We could go to dinner.” 

“Hhmmm,” said Chakotay, pretending to think about her offer. Kathryn could see his mouth turn up into a smile that he was trying to hide.

“Maybe even dancing,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn tilted her head, “ I didn’t know you danced.” 

“I’m full of surprises,” said Chakotay, “So, three day in Paris...where would I stay?” 

Kathryn knew what he was asking. Was this purely a business trip or was she inviting him for more than just a Federation meet and greet. 

“I was thinking, my hotel room,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay smirked at the thought, “Three days…” he said as if in wonderment of the possibilities, “Alright. I’ll go. Send me the details and I’ll clear my schedule.” 

Kathryn let out a sigh of relief. Chakotay didn’t seem remotely bitter about the way she treated him. He was a little hurt of course. She didn’t fault him for that, her actions weren’t exactly kind but perhaps he understood that she needed space. After all, he was the one who was seeing someone else. Kathryn had every right to take a break from the situation, until she realized she didn’t want a break at all. Kathryn glanced quickly in the direction of Boothby and the instructor who weren’t paying any attention to them. She would let the anticipation grow between them. She wouldn’t seek him out for sex until the conference. 

“Then, I’ll see you at the San Francisco transportation hub when we leave for Paris,” said Kathryn. 

But maybe a small show of affection to help the anticipation build. She leaned forward and kissed Chakotay on the cheek. She blushed and Chakotay smiled. 

“See you then,” he said as Kathryn walked away. 

Kathryn could tell he was watching her go. At the door, she turned back and glanced over her shoulder. Chakotay looked slightly embarrassed to be caught in the act of staring at her and he looked to the floor with a smile on his face. When he looked back up, Kathryn waved. He waved back and she left.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI - the reason Paris pops up so much in my stories is because it's the city where the headquarters of the United Federation of Planets is located....I know...NERD! :) YAY

The Federation Conference was one to help strengthen ties between the Federation, its allies, and those few other species that attended, including the Romulans. Kathryn was surprised a few Romulans attended but the business the Reman and Shizon had them uneasy. The Federation welcomed them with open arms although Kathryn doubted the Romulans had any real interest in joining the Federation. However a friendly ally would be beneficial to them. The conference centers at the Federation Headquarters building were packed with speakers, meet and greets, and all kinds of things to entice non members and to solidify current Federation members that the war with the Dominion was over and that the Federation was still strong. 

“I don’t know about you, but this speaker could use a little more pizazz,” whispered Kathryn as she leaned close to Chakotay.

They sat in the back of the room, listening to a Vulcan female talk about trade amongst the different planets of the Federation. 

“You mean you don’t find four hours of the intricacies of exports fascinating?” said Chakotay, “I’m so glad you brought me along.” 

Kathryn chuckled quietly. 

“It hasn’t been four hours,” she hissed. 

“Feels like it,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn looked about the room. Most Starfleet personnel looked on with polite boredom but the Ferengi delegates were listening intently, making notes and nodding in agreement. Kathryn smiled, it was nice to see that some things in the Alpha quadrant didn’t change too much. Despite the lectures and opportunities for small talk, Kathryn’s mind frequently drifted to dinner and more accurately, what would happen after she and Chakotay returned to her hotel room. She shot Chakotay a sideways glance.  
Wanting to let the anticipation of what lay ahead that evening to build, Kathryn let her hand fall from her lap and it brushed against Chakotay’s thigh. Chakotay sat frozen, staring straight ahead but Kathryn knew his attention was on her palm that now rested on his thigh. It was just low enough to be considered friendly but just high enough where Chakotay could interpret the gesture as an overture. Kathryn let her thumb slide up and down in a slow caress making her intentions clear, this was an overture. Chakotay leaned close to her. 

“Are you trying to kill me?” he asked in a low rumble. 

“Just building the anticipation,” Kathryn teased back, casting him a flirty look that made Chakotay grin and quickly return his attention back to the lecture. 

After the lecture was over, Chakotay and Kathryn joined a large crowd in a room for refreshments. Chakotay located and brought her a cup of coffee which Kathryn graciously accepted. She closed her eyes briefly as she breathed in the bitter aroma she loved so much. Chakotay smiled as he watched her. 

“Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?” asked Chakotay. 

“It’s barely noon and you’re thinking about dinner?” 

“I’m actually thinking about what would happen after dinner, but the other topic seemed more appropriate to discuss in public,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn eyed him discreetly before she slid him a sly smile, “I’ve been thinking about that too.” 

Chakotay smiled back but his smile faded as he caught sight of someone over Kathryn’s shoulder. Chakotay’s face darkened and his jaw set. Kathryn turned and saw to her dismay, Marshall Stark weaving his way through the crowd. 

“What’s he doing here?” said Chakotay. 

“The same reason we’re here,” said Kathryn, “Maybe he won’t see us.” 

Kathryn turned her back on Marshall, wishing she and Chakotay could escape this reception or slip into another lecture. Unfortunately, Marshall spotted her and beelined for Kathryn.

“Hello, again,” he said to Kathryn, ignoring Chakotay completely.

“Admiral Stark,” Kathryn said, trying to make her intentions clear. She was not planning on getting on friendlier terms with this man.

“Marshall, please,” said Marshall, “Were you in that Vulcan’s lecture on trade. Dull, wasn’t it? Where are you headed next?”

“We were actually going to meet up with Owen Paris,” said Kathryn, thinking quickly and knowing Owen would bail her out if need be.

“Oh,” said Marshall, “Well, I guess meeting with parents of your former crew is important,” said Marshall, not sounding sincere at all.

Chakotay made to interject but Kathryn put a hand on his arm. 

“He’s an old mentor of mine,” said Kathryn, “Excuse us.”

She pulled Chakotay away but the arm, ignoring the hard look on Chakotay’s face. As much as she enjoyed jealous Chakotay, she didn’t want to cause a scene. Especially if they needed to make nice with the admiralty. 

“No choice now but to find Owen,” said Kathryn. 

“That guy…”

“Is the worst,” said Kathryn, “Look, there’s Owen,” and she pointed to a slightly balding, white haired admiral standing at the outskirts of the crowd. 

Admiral Paris was standing by one of this colleagues, one of the oldest admirals in Starfleet. 

“Kathryn, Commander,” Owen said jovily as they approached, “Glad you decided to attend. Have you met Admiral Fitzgerald? Fitz, this is Kathryn Janeway, the captain of Voyager and her first officer Chakotay.” 

Fitzgerald was an elderly man with thinning white hair and pale eyes. He held out his hand and shook both Kathryn’s and Chakotay’s. For an old man, his grip was firm and commanding, unsurprising for an admiral. 

“Voyager, huh. You did a hell of a job out there. Owen sings your praises and rightfully so, all alone in the middle of nowhere.”

“It certainly was a journey,” said Kathryn. 

“And you,” Fitzgerald said, looking to Chakotay, “You’ve had an interesting career. Leaving Starfleet for the Maquis only to be pulled back again…damn interesting.” 

“It was Kathryn who brought me back to Starfleet. If she hadn’t suggested integrating our crews, I don’t think I would have felt the familiar pull to join Starfleet as I did as a youth.” 

“We’ve all had our moments of doubts, I for one didn’t like what Starfleet did to the Maquis, as I’ve told Owen here,” said Fitzgerald. 

“You’re probably one of the few in Starfleet,” said Chakotay.

“Was that Marshall Stark I saw you speaking to earlier?” asked Owen, intent on changing the subject. 

“Yes,” said Kathryn as she rolled her eyes. 

“Self-righteous prick,” mumbled Fitzgerald. 

Owen looked at him, surprised. 

“Well, he is. So young and so full of himself. Thinks he’s God’s gift to the admiralty. Promoted too young, if you ask me,” said Fitzgerald. 

“He’s a natural leader,” said Owen. 

“There are others more deserving of promotions,” said Fitzgerald and he looked pointedly at Chakotay, who simply smiled politely in response but looked uncomfortable. 

Kathryn suddenly wondered if Chakotay’s promotion was planned but someone in the admiralty was holding it back. She vowed to find out who it was and eviscerate them. Although, she thought, she had a strong suspicion of who that was already. 

“Chakotay, there’s someone here I’d like you to meet. She taught at the Academy for thirty years. Excuse us,” said Fitzgerald and he headed off into the crowd. 

Chakotay had no choice but to follow. Kathryn gave him an amused look and decided that she liked Admiral Fitzgerald. Owen looked at her a curious expression on his face. 

“What?” asked Kathryn suspiciously.

Owen shook his head. 

“Nothing,” he said with a smile, “You’re very fond of your first officer, aren’t you?” 

Kathryn pulled her gaze away from where Chakotay stood speaking with Fitzgerald’s old friend, an Andorian woman. 

“He’s been a close friend for seven years, we couldn’t have operated so well in the Delta quadrant, if we didn’t like each other,” said Kathryn. 

“Tom seems to think it’s more than that,” said Owen in amusement. 

Kathryn had known Owen a long time, so she tolerated his teasing. It reminded her of the way her father used to tease her about Justin. 

“As much as I care for and admire your son, Tom’s a gossip,” said Kathryn smiling sweetly. 

Owen laughed, “Well, as long as you’re happy. You’ve been through too much to not have some fun in your life.”

Like father, like son, thought Kathryn. If they only knew the kind of fun she and Chakotay got up to…She was joined by Chakotay as a large group headed into a ceremonial concert of peace and community by a species new to the Federation. He rested his hand on the small of her back as they entered the concert hall. They moved toward seats in the far corner. 

“Enjoy your new friend?” said Kathryn. 

“She was a very intriguing woman. A lot of insight about teaching. I suspect I’ll be reaching out to her in the future.” 

“Should I be jealous?” 

Chakotay let his hand slip from the small of her back down to the curve of her ass. 

“Maybe…” he teased as Kathryn playfully swatted his hand away. 

Chakotay chuckled as they took their seats. The lights in the concert hall dimmed, plunging the audience into darkness. Just as the music started to play, Chakotay slipped his hand into Kathryn’s and intertwined their fingers. His tumb caressed hers and Kathryn could not stop the smile on her face. Building anticipation indeed.


	11. Chapter 11

Dinner time seemed to take forever. When the conference finally finished for the day, Kathryn and Chakotay arrived at their hotel room. It was a bright spacious suite complete with balcony and to Kathryn’s delight, a large bathtub. They changed from their uniforms and selected a restaurant that the hotel’s concierge recommended. One far enough away from the prying eyes of other conference attendees. After a quick tram ride, they arrived at a quaint classic French restaurant with live music and outdoor seating. They were seated in a corner, as if the universe and the restaurant staff knew they needed a little privacy. They ordered quickly and Kathryn suspected Chakotay was just as eager as she was to get back to the hotel. 

“So, are you wining and dining me?” asked Chakotay. 

“Am I what?” Asked Kathryn as she tore a piece of the baguette that lay on their table. 

“The romantic dinner,” said Chakotay as he indicated the dimmed lighting, the candles on the table and the slow sensual music playing in the background, “Some people might think this is a slow seduction.” 

He smiled and Kathryn blushed. 

“Maybe it is. After all, the anticipation seemed not nearly enough,” said Kathryn teasingly. 

“Speaking of building anticipation,” said Chakotay before he stood and offered her his hand, “Care to dance?”

Kathryn looked around and felt reassured that there were a few other couples dancing already. She smiled and gently placed her hand in his. Chakotay pulled her to her feet, he spun her around and pulled her close. Kathryn instinctively molded her body to his. One hand gripped his and the other rested around Chakotay’s shoulder. Chakotay leaned his head against hers and sighed. They swayed to the music, enjoying the closeness. It felt as if their brief hiatus didn’t happened. Kathryn let her hand caress Chakotay’s back as they turned to the music.

“Did you have this in mind when you invited me to Paris?” asked Chakotay quietly. 

“Something like this,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay tightened his grip around her waist as they moved. He felt good pressed up against her. She could feel his heartbeat. Its strong thumps felt as if it was a tether to life, drawing her into him, into the moment where nothing else matter except for the two of them. She looked up at him. In the soft glow of the outdoor lighting, Chakotay seemed to radiate affection. If it was her own or his, Kathryn wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter. She tilted her head up and Chakotay bent down. Their lips met. The pressure just hard enough for both of them to know they wanted more but not too hard to cause a scene. They danced until their dinner was served. They returned to their table, Chakotay pulled Kathryn’s chair out for her before sitting across from her. They smiled at each other as Chakotay lifted his glass of wine and toasted. 

“To three days in Paris” he said. 

“And building anticipation,” said Kathryn and she slid her foot up the side of Chakotay’s leg. 

Chakotay smirked as he sipped his wine. 

They ate their meal in a flash, both eager to return to the hotel. Kathryn barely had time to register how good her Croque Monsieur was before Chakotay had finished his meal, pushed his plate aside and off they were to the tram station. The short ride to the hotel took much too long. Chakotay’s sensual kisses to Kathryn’s neck weren’t helping. Kathryn practically leapt to her feet when the tram arrived at their stop. Chakotay grabbed her hand and pulled her from the tram, down the tram station stairs, and along the street to their hotel. Briefly, Kathryn hoped no one from the conference saw them practically run through the lobby of their hotel holding hands. The turbolift ride to their floor was torture. They were forced to keep their hands to themselves as the lift filled with Federation delegates and other hotel guests. Kathryn shot Chakotay several sideways glances to which he responded with sultry looks of his own. Their bodies just inches apart, Kathryn could practically feel the heat from Chakotay’s skin through the arm of his shirt sleeve. 

When they arrived at their suite, Kathryn was practically buzzing with excitement. She pulled Chakotay through the door and turned to face him. She was sick of anticipation, Kathryn was ready for the main event. Chakotay smiled at her, his dark eyes travelling over her face as the tension between them crackled. Kathryn was the one who moved first, her self imposed punishment and delay of what she wanted was over. She flung herself into Chakotay’s arms, wrapping herself around him. She kissed him as if she would never get another chance. It was fiery and passionate. So passionate it surprised even her. This man could spark so many emotions in her it was astounding. Chakotay kissed her back, his arms wrapping around her with one hand pressed to her back and the other around her waist. 

“I missed you, I missed this,” he mumbled against her lips.

“Me too,” Kathryn said before kissing him again and again. 

“Slow down,” chuckled Chakotay. 

He placed his hands on Kathryn’s cheeks and pulled back a little. He gazed into her eyes. 

“There’s no rush,” he said. 

It took Kathryn a second to realize, he was right. Chakotay didn’t have to leave in the morning, he didn’t have to disappear into the night not to be seen leaving her apartment. They were together, in this room for three days. Granted they had the conference to attend but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they had time alone. Chakotay unwrapped Kathryn’s hands from his neck. 

“Come on,” he said and took her hand in his. He led the way to the replicator and ordered two glasses of champagne. Chakotay handed Kathryn a glass, then grabbing her free hand led her out onto the room’s balcony. The night was cool but peaceful. A gentle breeze flew over them as they stood side by side, sipping champagne. 

“I thought you were eager for ‘after dinner’ Kathryn asked. 

“I was, I am...but once we got back to the room, I thought maybe, this time, we take things slow. After all, there’s nothing stopping us,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn smiled, “That’s true.” 

She eyed Chakotay as he drank his champagne. He had definitely lost weight, she could see it in his face. His jaw was more defined much like it was in the beginning of their journey. He was older now, of course, as was she, but he still had that air of attractiveness that she fell victim to. She sidled up to him and Chakotay did his best to ignore her, pretending on being content on taking things slow. However, Kathryn saw the way his chest swelled and she pressed her body up along his side. Kathryn knew he was paying her back for letting the anticipation build all day. It was worth it though, as much as she was ready for it to end. And she was ready. Now. Kathryn slid a hand up Chakotay’s chest as he looked out to the still bustling city of Paris below. 

“Chakotay...I’m sick of waiting…” she said. 

“Patience is a virtue,” said Chakotay turning his head to look at her and grin. 

“Captains don’t like waiting.”

“You’re not a captain now.”

“Admirals hate it even more,” Kathryn whispered into his ear. 

Then trailing her hand across his chest, Kathryn slid away and back into their room. She set the champagne glass on the bedside table and slowly started to unzip her dress. She knew Chakotay was watching her, she could feel his eyes even if she couldn’t see him. She lowered the zipper down her back until she wasn’t able to reach it easily and seconds later she heard Chakotay’s glass on the bedside table and felt his fingertips brush her skin as he helped her lower the zipper the rest of the way. His head bent to place feather light kisses to her neck. Kathryn tilted her own head back, resting it on his shoulder as Chakotay wrapped his arms around her waist. His hand came up to her abdomen, his fingers spread wide, and he caressed her. Kathryn covered his hand with hers and she guided it lower. Chakotay’s breath blew over her neck, just below her ear. He didn’t speak, instead continued to brush his lips over Kathryn’s skin. He nuzzled her neck as his hand slipped between her legs. Kathryn sighed as she tilted her hips toward his hand. She wanted more. Right now! Chakotay knew it, she was sure of it, but he was deliberately torturing her. His fingers brushed over her clit through the fabric of her dress and but wasn’t enough. She wanted to feel him. Feel his skin on hers. 

“Chakotay…” she moaned. 

Chakotay chuckled before his lips returned to trail down her neck. Kathryn squirmed in his arms and Chakotay moved his hand away. Kathryn whimpered in protest but her disappointment didn’t last long as Chakotay’s hands traveled up her body to the parts of her dress which lay open, revealing her bare back. He pushed the fabric aside, letting it fall from her shoulders to pool around her ankles. Chakotay kissed her shoulder, then the base of her neck, to in between her shoulder blades. Kathryn sighed at the contact but enough was enough. She turned in his arms. Chakotay smiled at her, a small smile that made Kathryn’s heart skip a beat. Her hands went to Chakotay’s shirt and lifted it up over his head. She tossed it aside as she stepped from her shoes and left them and her dress on the floor. She took Chakotay’s hand and moved closer to the bed. She stopped next to it, with a seductive smile, she unfastened Chakotay’s pants. He watched her work and Kathryn pushed the pants and shorts from his hips. Chakotay stepped closer. Kathryn could feel the heat from his body against her skin. Chakotay gazed into her eyes and his fingers hooked into her underwear and pulled them off her. Kathryn balanced herself with a hand to Chakotay’s shoulder and she slid her underwear off her legs and tossed them to the floor, joining her dress. 

Then, with a light touch to his chest, she pushed Chakotay to the bed. He grinned as he moved to the center and lay on his back. Kathryn climbed on top of him. Her body sliding sensually over his until she straddled his hips. She was in control tonight. This trip to Paris, while originally organized as a Federation conference, was her game. The anticipation she built prior to their departure was all her and now, she was going to show Chakotay just how much she missed his touch. He grinned at her and Kathryn ran her hands up and down his bare chest.   
She leaned forward, her hair, which was inching close to being past her shoulders, hung around her face, isolating herself and Chakotay in a frame of red as she kissed him. Chakotay’s hands were all over her body, roaming from her hips, up her back to her shoulders and down again. He groaned when her tongue caressed his and Kathryn could feel him harden underneath her. Her hands went to his abs where she would tell he’d been working out. She was pleased he was taking care of himself. Chakotay thrusted his hips up at her and she felt his abdominal muscles ripple under her fingers. Kathryn grinned inwardly, now who was the eager one?   
She reached behind her to stroke him. Chakotay groaned and his eyes slipped shut for a second. It was fun, taking her time and winding him up.   
She slid down his body, kissing his torso as she went. She could feel the heat from his body as Chakotay got more and more excited at what she was about to do. He watched her move lower and he let out a low groan as Kathryn took him into her mouth. 

“Oh fuck,” Chakotay groaned.

His head fell back onto the pillow as his mouth hung open. He gasped as Kathryn moved her mouth over him. Having this kind of power of Chakotay have her a thrill of excitement and arousal. His groans were encouraging and it wasn’t long before she felt Chakotay’s hands weave into her hair. She worked him until his hips were moving involuntarily. 

“Kath-Kathryn…” he gasped. 

Kathryn slipped his cock out of her mouth and she looked up at him. He was staring down at her, his eyes dark with unfiltered desire. His chest was rising and falling from his effort to make this evening last for as long as possible. Kathryn smiled up at him and slid up his body. She felt his hot skin under her hands and Chakotay let out a deep calming breath. When she was eye level Chakotay reached up and cupped her face with his hand and slowly he brought his lips to hers. Their kiss was slow and deliberate. Kathryn felt it wrapped all the care and longing they felt for each other. Her hands stroked his chest while his held her head to him. The kisses grew more heated, finesse slowly disappeared, and Kathryn was eager to get the show on the road. She rocked her hips against his, brushing his cock and she sighed. Chakotay hands slid down her shoulders to her ribs and finally to her hips. Kathryn couldn’t stop moving against him. The friction was too great and felt too good. She gasped in surprise when her clit was met by Chakotay’s fingers. She stared into his eyes as he intimately caressed her. His gaze was laser locked into hers. As his fingers slipped inside her, he held her gaze smirking a little at the look of pleasure that Kathryn was sure was plastered on her face. Her eyes slipped shut as Kathryn was overwhelmed by her senses. 

“Oh!” she cried out, tilting her head back, her mouth falling open as her body moved on its own, seeking our more pleasure. 

Chakotay sat up and kissed her. Kathryn broke their kiss quickly, panting from her orgasm. She rested her head on Chakotay’s shoulder and his hands slid up her body again and into her hair, then back down. His caress was soothing and for a moment, Kathryn felt tears well up in her eyes. The tenderness of his movements were so...him. Chakotay was always so tender and kind toward her. It was one of his best qualities. While Kathryn acknowledged that she could be cold and unrelenting sometimes, this tenderness that Chakotay showed her, brought out her own in a way that she felt that she lost all those years ago in the beginning of this journey. She sighed heavily in contentment and then lifted her head. She looked into Chakotay’s eyes and saw what she suspected, that same tenderness that he displayed whenever he looked at her. His small smile crept up across his lips as he observed her. Kathryn stroked his cheek, her finger sliding up to his tattoo where she traced its pattern. Chakotay closed his eyes momentarily as she did so. When he opened them, she kissed him. This time, it was full of passion, full of the longing she felt from the moment she planned for him to join her on this conference trip. His tongue caressed hers and Kathryn couldn’t stop her desire from sparking inside her again. Chakotay must have sensed it because suddenly he held her firmly in his arms and seated her a little more comfortably on his lap. Kathryn laughed and Chakotay laughed too. Her smile remained as she caressed his neck. 

“You are so beautiful,” said Chakotay. 

His voice was so soft, which only made Kathryn smile more. She felt his hard cock against her and Kathryn was ready for him. She lifted her hips and slowly, slowly, she lowered herself onto him. Chakotay let out a deep breath. His arms were wrapped around Kathryn and she felt safe and warm. It was just the two of them, in this room. Their embrace a cocoon, isolating them from out the outside world. They sat there, connected in the most intimate way, basking in the feeling of closeness. Then she started to move. With her legs resting on either side of Chakotay’s, Kathryn lifted herself up and then back down. Her hands clutched Chakotay's biceps, her nails dug into his skin but he didn’t seem to mind. Her eyes met his and Chakotay tilted her chin up so he could kiss her. He held back, allowing Kathryn to control the pace. She wanted to work him up, like he did for her. She wanted him as desperate as he was before he stopped her from bringing him to climax with her mouth. She increased the intensity of her movements. Raising up and then slamming back down onto him. Chakotay groaned and his hands went to her hips. Not to stop her or control her movements, but to help steady her. Always the supportive first officer she knew so well. Faster and faster she moved until Chakotay was clearly ready for more. 

His hips responded to Kathryn’s movements, thrusting up as she slammed down. Kathryn let out satisfied groans at each point of contact. Chakotay responded with groans of his own. She moved faster and stronger, each time Chakotay seem to grow more and more impatient. A little more unwound with each of her movements. It thrilled her - the control she had over him. So, it caught her off guard when Chakotay’s fingers quickly brought her to a climax. With another shout that she was sure their hotel neighbors would know exactly what she was getting up to, Kathryn came hard. She clutched Chakotay’s head as she recovered. Chakotay kissed her collarbone. Kathryn weaved her fingers through his hair as she took in deep breaths. She sighed as Chakotay trailed his kisses up her neck. Kathryn smiled. She tilted her head back as Chakotay kissed a particular sensitive spot on her neck. She pressed her sweaty body against Chakotay. She felt how hard he was. Her hands caressed his neck as she rotated her hips, encouraging Chakotay to relieve what she was sure was an unbearable hardon. 

“Come on, Chakotay,” said Kathryn. 

“So beautiful,” Chakotay said again. 

His comment made Kathryn’s heart skip a beat in joyful gratitude. Chakotay didn’t offer compliments about her physical appearance often but when he did, it made her feel as beautiful as a ancient goddess. She ran her hand through Chakotay’s hair. It was soft and it brought her a surprising amount of delight. She ran her hand up from the nape of his neck, running through the soft tendrils up to his temple. She brought his head down to her and she kissed him. He moved and soon they were off again, Kathryn clutched him as Chakotay thrust up into her. She gasped in pleasure as he let his desire take over. His arms were wrapped around her as he moved, fast and hard until his release hit him with a force Kathryn could feel herself. Chakotay’s shout echoed in her ears and his body shook as he came. He collapsed onto the bed, his head falling heavily on the pillow. Kathryn rested on top of him. Her head on his chest. She listened to Chakotay’s pounding heartbeat slowly and steadily return to a normal pace. Kathryn let her hands caress his neck, shoulders and arms as Chakotay let out a calming deep breath. Kathryn peered up at him. He watched her through sleepy eyes and offered a small smile. His arm tightened around her, holding her close. Kathryn molded her body to his and let herself drift off to sleep listening to his heartbeat. 

Kathryn woke up a few hours later. She and Chakotay had shifted in the middle of the night. Chakotay was on his side, his back to her. Kathryn propped herself up on an elbow. She watched Chakotay’s chest rise and fall as he slept. The moonlight that spilled in from the open balcony doors cast Chakotay’s bare skin in an ethereal glow. Kathryn reached out and let her fingers trace Chakotay’s spine. He didn’t stir at her touch. Kathryn moved closer. She leaned over him, her chest to his back. She wrapped her arm across his chest and rested her chin on Chakotay’s shoulder. She watched Chakotay sleep for a few moments, his mouth slightly parted as he breathed. A well of affection gushed up inside her. This man was her partner in every way that mattered to her. He was her first officer, a safe harbor that kept her on pace while Voyager was on its journey in the Delta quadrant, her friend and confidant. He was everything a partner should be. Thinking back, Kathryn felt there was no way she would have had the same journey if Cavit, her original first officer was alive. She always liked Cavit but he didn’t connect with her as Chakotay did. There was just something - fate, maybe - or spiritual as Chakotay would call it, that connected Chakotay to her. It was just something that was. As if it always was and as it should be. Kathryn leaned back to her side of the bed but not before she pressed her lips to Chakotay’s shoulder. 

“I love you,” Kathryn whispered to the night. 

Chakotay slept on. 

She said it out loud. It didn’t matter to Kathryn that Chakotay didn’t hear her. She said. It was real. It was out there in the universe and she couldn’t take it back. She didn’t want to. It was true. The first real truth she accepted since Voyager’s return to Earth. It was something that would have frightened her years ago but now it was a calming wind. A comfortable breeze that washed over her like the cool night air coming in from the balcony doors. Kathryn sighed and looked briefly at Chakotay’s sleeping form before letting herself fall back asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning, Kathryn woke to an empty bed. The balcony doors were closed and sunlight burst through the sheer curtains. The sheets of the bed were ruppled. Kathryn reached for the space where Chakotay lay hours before, the sheets were cold. He must have been up for a while. She stretched and was unable to stifle a yawn. She forced herself to get out of bed. The cool morning air cascaded over her naked body and Kathryn hurried to find her robe. It was still draped over the bedside chair where she left it the night before. She wrapped it around herself as she walked to their suite bathroom. She found Chakotay standing in front of the sink. He was dressed in boxers, fresh from a shower. He studied himself in the mirror. He noticed Kathryn’s reflection watching him. He smiled and turned to her. 

“I was going to wake you up in a minute,” he said. 

“What time is it?”

“Still early, we even have time for breakfast,” said Chakotay. 

He pulled out a sonic razor from his toiletry kit. Turning on the handheld device Chakotay began to move it over his chin. Kathryn came up beside him and took the razor from him. He looked at her with curiosity as she stepped in between him and the counter. She reached up to shave his face herself but found she felt very short without the heeled Starfleet boots. In true first officer fashion, Chakotay sensed her dilema and lifted her to sit on the counter. If it were any other man, she would have been insulted by the manhandling but now wasn’t the moment for talking or analysis. Now was just this simple gesture of trust. With this better angle, Kathryn began to carefully shave off the short five o’clock shadow from Chakotay’s face. He stood still, his hands sliding lazily up and down her thighs as Kathryn worked. Delicately, Kathryn moved the razor over Chakotay’s chin and along his cheeks. He smiled and Kathryn smirked back at him. Chakotay’s hands continued to move up and down her thighs, occasionally moving around to cup the curve of her ass. His eyes twinkled with delight and contentment. 

When Kathryn finished and set the razor aside, she inspected her work and ran a hand over Chakotay’s now smooth skin. When she was pleased that she didn’t miss any spots she looked into his eyes again and noticed the change in them. They went from playful to passionate in a split second and a wanton heat spread all over Kathryn’s body. Chakotay kissed her with a strong passion. Any urge to go slow dissipated after last night’s activities. This was heat. This was fire. Chakotay’s hands slid up her legs, pushing her robe aside. Kathryn threw her arms around Chakotay’s neck. Her robe slipped off a shoulder but Kathryn didn’t care. Chakotay pulled Kathryn close, his hands covering the expanse of her back. Kathryn resorted to her favorite move, weaving her fingers through Chakotay’s hair as she angled his head just the way she liked and kissed him back. Her passion for Chakotay wasn’t slowing down and Kathryn wondered in that moment if it ever would. Chakotay hurriedly pushed his boxers off his hips and pulled Kathryn closer to him from where she sat on the counter. They’ve done this before, they knew the drill. Kathryn wrapped her legs around Chakotay’s waist and with a deep thrust, he was inside her. Chakotay groaned low in his throat. My God, this man, Kathryn thought. She clutched his shoulders and thrust her hips at him, urging Chakotay to get a move on. It was quick and hard. Just the way Kathryn always liked sex in the morning. No time for slow when they had someplace to be. She came with a soft bite to his shoulder. Chakotay followed her, groaning her name. When he slipped out of her, Chakotay’s hands came up to push the hair out of her face. He smiled and Kathryn grinned back. 

“Now, that’s what I call saving time for breakfast,” she joked. 

Chakotay chuckled, “Speaking of which...why don’t you shower and I’ll have real food ready for you.”

Kathryn smiled, “Sounds like a plan.”

Her sonic shower was quick, despite having time to eat breakfast, they were now on a schedule to return to the conference. Kathryn wrapped herself in a towel and joined Chakotay in their suite. He was already sitting at their small dining table. A plate of biscuits, fruit, and a hard boil egg sat in front of him. Kathryn sat across from Chakotay and picked up a mug which sat in front of her place setting. It was empty. She frowned for a second before Chakotay picked up a silver pitcher and poured coffee into the mug. 

“Coffee,” Kathryn sighed in delight, breathing in the dark liquid’s aroma. 

“Sometimes, I think you like coffee more than me,” said Chakotay. 

“Nothing beats coffee,” Kathryn said with a sly smile. 

Chakotay grinned and shook his head amusement. Kathryn laughed. She watched as Chakotay read a padd displaying the daily report from the Federation News Service. 

“I didn’t peg you for one to read the newspaper at breakfast,” said Kathryn. 

“I enjoy reading...besides, we didn’t get much news while out in the Delta quadrant, so I’m making up for lost time,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn picked up a biscuit and while she ate she contemplated how domestic their situation was at that moment. Sharing breakfast before work. It felt...nice. This was what she wanted with her first fiance, Justin, and even with Mark, her second, but she never got the chance. Now, there was Chakotay. Even he wasn’t a sure thing but she was going to enjoy every moment she had. Kathryn ran her leg up Chakotay’s calf. He stopped reading and looked up. Kathryn smirked at him. 

“Do you think we have time?” asked Kathryn. 

“You were the one who wanted to attend the conference,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn waved her hand in dismissal, “That was only a front to get you to join me in Paris.” 

“You know, all you’d had to do was ask…” said Chakotay but his sentence hung out in the air between them. 

They both knew that the only reason their sexy excursion worked was because it was under the guise of the conference, otherwise Seven would get suspicious. Kathryn tightened her towel around herself. Chakotay cleared his throat. 

“We should really get ready to go. There’s that engineering showcase you mentioned you wanted to attend this morning,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn nodded and tore off another piece of her biscuit. They finished their breakfast in silence. Chakotay occasionally looking up from his PADD to gaze at her. Kathryn offered her own assessment of him in return, her smile causing him to grin whenever she caught him.


	13. Chapter 13

The rest of the conference was a blur and it was with a heavy heart that Kathryn found herself packing her bag on their last night. She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want their escape from the reality to end. Her hands hovered over her opened bag, holding a spare Starfleet uniform. Her mind drifted away. What are they going to do when they returned to San Francisco? How could they continue on as they were? It wasn’t sustainable and the hard part was….she wanted it to be. 

Kathryn was pulled out of her musing by Chakotay’s hands on her arms. 

“You okay?” he asked. 

“Fine,” Kathryn replied quickly. She knew Chakotay didn’t believe her. He knew her too well to just accept, fine, as an satisfactory answer. He waited for her to elaborate. 

“I just…” This was a moment she could reveal her feelings. Now was a moment where she could have a real discussion with Chakotay on what she wanted…but the moment passed and her courage failed. She didn’t want to spoil her mood, spoil the nice time she had with Chakotay the past few days… “I had a nice time.” 

Chakotay sighed, “Me too...but our night isn’t over yet.” 

Kathryn didn’t respond but allowed herself to drop her uniform on top of her bag and be led away from the bedroom. Chakotay took her hand and pulled her into the bathroom. Wordlessly, he set the controls of the bathtub to fill the tub with hot water. Kathryn smiled at him softly. Baths were her favorite way to relax. She was glad Chakotay remembered. They gazed at each other for a moment before they silently removed their clothes and climbed into the tub. They sat across from each other, their legs slippery when they rubbed against each other. Kathryn relaxed. After a few seconds, bubbles filled the tub. Kathryn grinned. 

“Surprise,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn laughed. She slipped through the water and let her body slid up against Chakotay. She kissed him before floating back to her side of the tub. The bubbles filled the tub and Kathryn leaned back, letting the soaping foam cascade over her body and cocoon her in warmth. She sighed. 

“I’m glad you invited me to come along,” Chakotay said. 

“So am I,” Kathryn responded without opening her eyes. 

Her heart raced. Would their much needed conversation be now? She both desperately wanted it to be and was afraid of it at the same time. Much to her relief and disappointment, Chakotay did not continue the conversation. Kathryn peered at him. He ran a wet hand through his hair. He looked content and relaxed. His tan skin covered in bubbles. Kathryn’s heart ached for more moments like this. She didn’t want to transport back home tomorrow morning. She didn’t want to go back to clandestine meetings and hidden words of desire. But she was just a stubborn as Chakotay was and if he wasn’t going to say anything, then she wouldn’t either. So they spend the next thirty minutes casually gazing at each other. Both their gazes guarded and filled with unsaid things. When Kathryn couldn’t stand the tension any longer, she climbed out of the tub. Chakotay immediately followed her. She grabbed two fluffy towels from a shelf nearby and handed one to Chakotay. They dried off in silence and Kathryn wrapped her towel around herself. It’s softness doing nothing to stop the feeling to restlessness and anxious dread from the approaching morning. 

“Come on,” said Chakotay. 

He held out his hand to her. For a split second Kathryn didn’t want to take it. She wanted to push it away and demand that they have their conversation about their relationship but again, her courage failed and her body responded without Kathryn consciously knowing what she was doing. She took his hand and Chakotay led her away from the bathroom and to the large bed they had shared for the past few days. Chakotay threw back the sheets and turned back to her. Kathryn allowed him to remove her towel and watched as Chakotay dropped his own to the floor from where it hung around his waist. For a moment, they stared at each other’s naked forms. Kathryn’s body responded on instinct. She craved his touch, his scent, his words of content desire as his whispered them in her ear. Chakotay must have felt the same, for the next thing she knew, Kathryn was in her arms. His strong arms wrapped around her waist, his hands caressing her back as he pulled her to him to kiss her. Kathryn relaxed into his arms, kissing him back. They fell to the bed, landing sideways as they tried to touch every part of each other that they could. 

Chakotay rolled on top of her, his hands sliding from her breasts to her waist, to the curve of her ass and all over again. She did the same to him, feeling his muscles that she was so pleased he had decided to find again. She clutched his biceps as Chakotay moved them more onto the center of the bed. All the while trying to keep as much full frontal contact as possible. She grinned internally at that. 

“You are so beautiful,” Chakotay whispered along her skin. He kissed his way down her stomach, “Every part of you is beautiful.” 

Kathryn had to admit, she enjoyed hearing him say that...until Chakotay’s mouth brought her to climax and all thought of anything else was erased from her mind. She clutched at his hair. She was sure her nails scrapped his scalp but Chakotay didn’t seem to care. He grinned up at her and made his way backup her body. His hands soothing her shaking body. Kathryn sighed. Chakotay rested on his forearms and gazed down at her. There were no words between them. Kathryn stroked Chakotay’s cheek before pulling him to her. 

Their night was a storm of emotions, full of passion and calm moments, fluctuating with Kathryn’s desire to maintain the status quo or to rock the boat and spill her fillings for Chakotay to hear. She knew how she felt now. She knew what she wanted but feeling and acting on them were two, very difficult things. They fell asleep in each other’s arms, Kathryn clutching Chakotay’s arm to her chest. As if she could keep him with her as long as she didn’t let go. 

There was an uncomfortable silence between them when they stood in line at the transporter station. Conference attendees mingled as they waited and Kathryn was immensely relieved that Admiral Stark was elsewhere. She didn’t want to talk to that man right now. Her melancholy state required her silence and to stand closely to Chakotay. She thought about being home and how much she actually missed her new apartment but she also sad that she would soon be there, alone. 

She felt Chakotay nudge her toward the transporter pad and she followed him. She stood next to him and waited for the technician to initiate transport back to San Francisco. She felt the familiar tingling sensation and a split second later, she was back home. People around her stepped off the transporter pad. She moved with the crowd and unconsciously took Chakotay's hand as she stepped off the platform. Not that she didn’t help but he offered automatically and she accepted the gesture. 

“It was a fun conference,” Chakotay said warmly as if sensing her mood and trying to put her at ease. 

His eyes smiled at her as they moved through the crowded transporter station. 

“It was,” Kathryn agreed. 

She wanted to blurt out her feelings. She should do it, now. Tell this man, who had been by her side for so long how she felt. She needed too…

“Chakotay,” she started but her words died in her throat.

Seven stood in the lobby and smiled serenely at Chakotay as they approached. She heard Chakotay make a small groan and for a second Kathryn had a flicker of hope shoot through her but it died when Seven wrapped her arm around Chakotay’s. 

“I was unaware that you were at the conference as well Admiral,” said Seven. 

“Yes, Chakotay and I ran into each other on the transporter pad on the way home,” she answered quickly. 

She saw the flicker of hurt that crossed Chakotay’s face but Kathryn didn’t feel sorry for him. He opened his mouth to respond but Kathryn did not want to linger in their presence. She didn’t want to see Seven clutching Chakotay’s arm or want to hear he state that she missed him. Kathryn wanted none of that. 

“Well, I’m going to head home. Conferences always wear me out,” she said and she maneuvered around them, ignoring Chakotay’s call of her name as she walked away. 

As she walked, Kathryn began to wall off her feelings, building a fortress around her heart. She couldn’t keep doing this. Not after her revaluation in the hotel room. She loved Chakotay and for a while, she was certain he loved her too but now...doubt seeped into her soul. No, she would throw herself back into her work. It worked on Voyager. Ah, but that was what lead to this situation in the first place, a small voice in the back of her mind reminded her. When she arrived to her empty apartment, Kathryn set her bag down on the floor, leaned against the closed door and began to cry. She slid down the door, allowing herself this moment of pure emotion before she told herself that come Monday, she could pick herself back up, head into work, and focus on what she could control, her job.


	14. Chapter 14

It was a week before Chakotay got in touch with her. She expected him to call and when he didn’t, she felt awful. Her wall around her heart wasn’t working at keeping her emotions at bay. She found herself checking her messages even though a new message would send her office desktop console a notification. Again, Kathryn’s thoughts drifted away from work on focused on Chakotay. Why was she letting this get to her. She was an adult, a grown, mature, strong woman. Why was this infatuation with Chakotay so...but as she formed the thought, her heart angrily shouted back: It’s not infatuation, it’s love. A deep, consuming, powerful love. One you haven’t felt for a long time. 

Kathryn knew this was true. Knew that her heart was right, that the words she uttered in darkness were true. She loved Chakotay. Deeply and desperately. So when he burst into her office at lunch time she couldn’t be angry with him for the interruption nor could she send him away from the hurt she felt seeing him with Seven at the transporter station. She looked up from her desk, startled at the sudden instruction. It wasn’t like her assistant Decan would allow for such things but Decan was at lunch, something she insisted he take even if he preferred to remain at his desk, so therefore there was no one to stop Chakotay from barging in unannounced. He stared at her. 

“Chakotay...you scared me,” Kathryn said, her heart pounding, but not just from the surprise. 

“I miss you,” Chakotay said without preamble. Kathryn had to admit she liked the forthright attitude he suddenly had. 

“I’ve been here,” she replied and it was true. She had thrown herself into her work and had not reached out to Chakotay at all, but didn’t need to remind him of that. From Chakotay’s restless mannerisms, he clearly remembered. He paced in front of her desk, looking around her office. 

“I’ve missed you too,” she whispered. 

He heard her and immediately came around the desk and pulled her into his arms. He hugged her to him and Kathryn allowed herself to melt into his sturdy frame. Chakotay’s strong arms were wrapped tightly around her waist. She breathed in the faint smell of his aftershave and she clutched at his uniform jacket. It wasn’t long before Chakotay tilted his head down and Kathryn looked up and their lips met. She couldn’t stop herself. Kathryn deepened the kiss, letting her hands roam up Chakotay’s back and into his hair. She clutched his head to her as he kissed her back just as passionately. Kathryn could feel his hands everywhere. Chakotay maneuvered her backwards and the backs of Kathryn’s knees hit her desk. Chakotay’s hands slid to her waist. His impatience led him to lifting Kathryn onto the desk and stepping between her legs in one swift movement. Kathryn didn’t protest. She liked the unfiltered passion and desire. A hot fire rose up inside her, coursing through her veins as she unzipped Chakotay’s jacket. She let her hands rest on his chest and she could feel his rapid heart beat. 

“I missed you,” said Chakotay, “Paris...it’s all I can think about.”

Kathryn’s heart skipped a beat. She had to admit that was all her heart allowed her to think about even though she vowed to concentrate on work. She responded with a theme appropriate French kiss. Chakotay groaned and staying true to his male pattern of behavior, his hands slipped from her hips to the fastening of her uniform pants. They were off her in a flash. Kathryn barely remembered kicking off her boots as well. Soon, Chakotay’s fingers hit their target, the spot she wanted him to touch ever since he burst through her office door. 

“Decan will be back soon,” she gasped in his ear. 

Chakotay grunted in understanding. With half a thought Kathryn glanced back to see if the office door was closed. It was. Perhaps Chakotay had meant for this to happen and had the foresight to shut it. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was that Chakotay was making her feel things she had longed to feel for weeks. Kathryn felt her body go taunt with unreleased tension and then with his thumb pressed roughly to her clit, she came around Chakotay’s fingers. She gasped in satisfaction, clinging to Chakotay in dear life. 

She was still quaking when he regained enough of her senses to notice Chakotay moving her closer to the edge of her desk. She gasped again when Chakotay thrust inside her. He panted heavily as if he was gasping for breath. He rested his head on her shoulder and for a brief second they simply remained motionless. Connected physically, emotionally, in every way...almost. Kathryn felt as if she wanted to pull Chakotay closer, into her, into her heart and soul and never let go. Eventually, he moved and their quick coupling left Kathryn with the knowledge that she would never be able to distract herself from her feelings for Chakotay. She rubbed his back as he recovered from their intense orgasm. She smiled into his hair as her own breath slowly returned to normal. Kathryn let out a soft chuckle.   
“What’s so funny?” Chakotay mumbled into her shoulder. 

“Us...we just had sex in my office at Starfleet Headquarters,” Kathryn said, giggling a little, “A little over eager aren’t we?” 

“Can you blame me?” Chakotay said, raising his head and smiling at her. 

Kathryn placed a hand on his cheek, “Not in the slightest.” 

She gave him a light shove and Kathryn hopped down from the desk and quickly dressed. Chakotay followed suit. 

“Decan will be back soon,” Kathryn said again, “Like many other Vulcans, he doesn’t like the bustle of the cafeteria for too long a time.” 

It wasn’t long before they could hear Decan arrive back in the outer office that connected to Kathryn’s. Chakotay hovered about as Katheryn ran her fingers through her hair. He looked as if he needed to say something and when he didn’t Kathryn found that she was just the slightest bit annoyed. 

“B’Elanna and Tom asked me to come by for dinner,” she said, breaking the tension and trying to steer the conversation into safe territory for both of them.

“What does she want?” asked Chakotay a little too quickly and Kathryn briefly wondered why. Had B’Elanna been questioning him about their affair? If B’Elanna got wind of it, she wouldn’t hesitate to question Chakotay with all the Klingon gusto she could muster. 

Kathryn shrugged, “Just wanted to have dinner and I must say, I’m looking forward to it. I haven’t seen Miral since we all left Voyager,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay nodded and paced again in front of her desk. He turned to face her, opened his mouth as if he’d been waiting to say what was on his mind but couldn’t find the right moment, it as he did so Decan knocked and entered the room. He carried a stack of padds. He stopped when he saw Chakotay. 

“I apologize for the intrusion, Admiral,” said Decan. 

Kathryn watched Chakotay’s face fall and he watched Decan place the tall stack of padds onto Kathryn’s desk. 

“I should let you get back to work,” said Chakotay and before Kathryn could respond, he left. Decan raised an eyebrow at the abrupt departure. Kathryn was left feeling more confused than ever.


	15. Chapter 15

A few days later, Kathryn was sitting on the couch in the small house owned by Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres. They had just finished dinner and the conversation turned to more serious discussion. Kathryn held Miral in her lap. The baby was eagerly gazing around the room, occasionally smiling and giggling at the small waves from her father across the room. Kathryn felt a outpouring of love for the little family that she cared for so deeply. 

“I’m glad you were able to come Admiral,” said B’Elanna, “I was telling Tom, I don’t like how everyone split apart. It’s hard to stay in touch. I even miss the Doctor.” 

“I wouldn’t go that far,” interjected Tom, “The longer I don’t have to hear, ‘Mr. Paris, your assistance please,’ the better. It gives me sickbay nightmares.” He grinned. 

“I miss the crew too. So many of you left Earth a few weeks after we arrived home. I kept track of where everyone was headed but it isn’t the same as Voyager.” 

“Nothing will compare to Voyager, that’s for sure,” agreed B’Elanna. 

“Changed my life,” said Tom. 

“Do you see anyone from the crew besides us?” asked B’Elanna, “I heard Harry is thinking about another deep space assignment. With his skill set, he’s sought after.” 

“Don’t believe everything, he might stay here,” said Tom. 

“You just don’t want your best friend to leave,” teased B’Elanna, “ and speaking of departures, Seven mentioned she accepted a position at the Vulcan Science Academy,” said B’Elanna a little more seriously, “You know that means Chakotay will go with her.” 

Ice ran through Kathryn’s veins. This was the first she heard of any of this. She dropped her gaze to the top of Miral’s head, hoping to disguise her sudden stoney expression. Of course, she hadn’t been the best mentor to Seven since everything that developed between her and Chakotay and had barely spoken to her. Seven’s decision to leave for Vulcan came as a shock. Why would she go to an emotionally suppressed planet when she was just now exploring the full extent of her emotions. Then her thoughts lead her to a darker place - perhaps Chakotay would be guiding her in her exploration. Kathryn’s stomach tied itself up in knots and she suddenly felt sick. How could she have thought Chakotay would be easily pulled away from someone who he could guide and teach about the delights of emotion. Her cold disgust and unpleasantness must have shown on her face because Tom leaned   
forward in his chair. 

“Are you alright, Admiral?” he asked, his voice full of concern. 

“I’m fine,” Kathryn said snapping back her Captain’s persona and flashing what she hoped was a convincing smile. She handed Miral back to her mother and B’Elanna studied Kathryn’s face as she stood. 

“Well, I better get going,” Kathryn said, “It’s late and I have a lot of work tomorrow. An admiral’s job is more hectic than a captain’s I’m afraid.” 

Tom stood as well, “Uh, okay,” he said and followed Kathryn to their front door. 

Kathryn did not miss the look Tom shared with B’Elanna as he passed her. All Kathryn could think of was getting home so she could process what she was feeling alone. When she exited the house after hasilty shouted a goodbye, Kathryn let out a heavy sigh. The temperature was please try but the feeling of heartbreak over powered Kathryn’s senses and caused a cold chill to wash over her. It wasn’t like this was a surprise, she thought, for all she knew Chakotay hadn’t ended things with Seven. What hurt was how foolish she felt. She arrived back at her apartment in a haze. She closed the door and drew a bath. Not even a hot bath could distract her from her feelings. When she climbed into bed and pulled her blankets around her, Kathryn could not stop a few tears that fell onto her pillow. Maybe the trip to Vulcan was the real reason Chakotay came to her office earlier in the week. He was planning on telling her the ‘good news’. Kathryn sniffed and wiped her tears away. Sleep took a very long time to reach her that night. 

Kathryn convinced herself that it didn't matter where Chakotay ended up. It didn’t matter that she felt heartbroken over his decision to leave for Vulcan, although a very small sliver of hope still clung to the fact that she couldn't confirm that he was actually leaving for Vulcan and therefore may choose to stay on Earth. Either way, Kathryn took up a mantra when she returned to work the next day. She didn’t need any man to have a fulfilling life. She loved Starfleet, she was on Earth. She a lot of good things happening to her right now. She was making change on a large scale, keeping the entire Federation safe and pioneering new ideas. It was very rewarding work. She had to focus on the positive things. Just as she did on Voyager. She didn’t have a relationship on Voyager and look where she ended up. Home. She achieved her goal. Kathryn tried her best to ignore the voice in the back of her head that reminded her that she survived with Chakotay's friendship throughout their journey in the Delta quadrant. It’s not like he would be completely cut off from her. There were always subspace messages but the knowledge that she wouldn’t be able to feel his touch or allow herself to sink into his arms and feel his holding her strongly, made her stomach sink to her knees and the feeling didn’t dissipate.

Kathryn decided that the only way to move forward past her horrible disappointment was to take her mind off of it. She got up from her desk on afternoon, ignoring Decan’s look of surprise when she exited the outer office and walked to the corridor just beyond. She walked and walked and ran into Owen Paris. He beamed at Kathryn when she approached him. 

“Admiral Janeway, I’m surprised to see you out and about,” he said teasingly. Owen knew her well and knew of her intensity when it came to work. 

“I wanted a change of scenery,” Kathryn admitted but a sudden thought sprang into her mind, “Actually, I was wondering if you had any insight on what Admiral Fitzgerald said at the conference. How he implied that some of my crew’s promotions were being held up…” 

Owen looked frustratingly uncomfortable. He tensed his jaw and nodded, “Yes. He’s right. There were promotions come down the pipe but were placed on indefinite hold by one admiral in particular.” 

“Marshall Stark,” Kathryn said, her suspicions confirmed. She hated that man more than she couldn’t stand Q or the Borg. He was a snake. She knew that from the moment she met him. A self-centered, self-important, power hungry, bastard. 

“I take it you don’t like him,” smiled Owen. 

“Not one bit,” confirmed Kathryn, “How can Starfleet go along with this?”

“Marshall has friends in high places and the ear of a lot of people,” said Owen. 

“Well, we’ll see about that. After everything that my crew has been through…”

“It’s not your entire crew. Marshall feels the Maquis shouldn’t be allowed rewards or positions of power within Starfleet. In fact, he was one of the few who voted for harsher punishments for former Maquis members. Luckily, we were able to reduce many sentences of those who survived the massacre from the Dominion to just prison time but Marshall...he’s..” Owen sighed, “He’s too ambitious for his own good.” 

“I’m not going to let this go,” Kathryn said. It didn’t matter what he feelings about Chakotay were. This injustice wouldn’t not be allowed. Her crew, the former Maquis, they deserve everything that every Starfleet crewman did. 

“Where is Marshall now?” Said Kathryn a angry fire growing inside her and in her mind’s eye she pictured herself barging into Marshall’s office and demanding the promotions be processed. 

“Off planet,” Owen said but seeing Kathryn’s annoyance quickly added, “But he will be attending the Interspecies Diversity Annual Dinner tonight. It’s here in the headquarters ballroom. You can find him there.” 

“Good,” said Kathryn already planning her plan of attack in her head. 

“What are you going to do?” asked Owen. 

“Look out for my crew,” said Kathryn and suddenly, she felt hungry. Not only physically hungry but hungry for a project related to the Voyager crew - one that didn’t revolve around Chakotay. Although it did affect him. Her motivation was more so because Chakotay’s promotion was blocked and she knew he deserved it and she loved him. She would make this happen.


	16. Chapter 16

The Interspecies Diversity Annual Dinner was not as lively as the Voyager Welcome Home Celebration but it was just elaborate. Kathryn was dressed in a black silky dress and turned many heads when she entered the room. She didn’t care about the attention. She was on a mission. She searched the room for Marshall and found him, talking to a group of Andorians. Kathryn beeline for the bar and ordered a scotch. She grabbed the glass as soon as the bartender placed in on the bartop in front of her. In a reversal of behavior, Kathryn went straight of Marshall instead of avoiding this like the plague. He moved away from the Andorians and Kathryn couldn’t help but smirk at the look of relief on the Andorians’ faces. Kathryn followed Marshall and slinked up behind him. She slid her hand across his back which caused him to turn to face her.

“Hello, Admiral Stark,” said Kathryn as she gazed hard at him. Offering the same glare that she reserved for the Borg queen. 

“Admiral Janeway,” Marshall said and in a disgusting display of sexism, looked her up and down. The battle had begun, Kathryn thought. “You look lovely tonight.” 

“I was wondering if we could share a table tonight,” said Kathryn, hating the words as she spoke. 

Marshall smiled as if he had finally won a game of blackjack. Kathryn felt like punching him right in his smug mouth but focused her thoughts on the task at hand. Butter him up, win him over and demand he right the wrong he’d done to her crew. If past experience taught her one thing, was that Kathryn Janeway would fight for her crew tooth and nail, Starfleet admirals notwithstanding.

“Lead the way,” said Marshall. 

Kathryn cast him a look that was a cross of intrigue and veiled hatred and found a table. She sat and inwardly cringed as Marshall laid his arm across the back of her chair. Kathryn has to resist the urge to push his hand away when she felt his finger brush her shoulder. He wasn’t going to win this game but it still disgusted Kathryn that a Starfleet admiral would sink to this level. He reminded her of Kashyk but not at all as charming. Chakotay was equally as jealous of the attention that man showed her as well. Thinking of Chakotay made her miss him and made her crave his touch instead. She was willing putting up with Marshall for Chakotay for all the former Maquis who weren’t being treated fairly. She would convince Marshall to let go of his ridiculous notion that the Maquis who served on Voyager were unworthy or fair treatment. They sacrificed enough and so had she. I’d be damn if a man like Marshall would thwart my efforts, Kathryn thought, and I was the Captain, I’m used to getting my way. She smiled at that thought. She would win and poor Marshall...Kathryn looked over to him….he had no idea how easily he would fail. 

So Kathryn used the same technique to win over Marshall the megalomaniac as she did with Kashyk. Seductive confidence, was what she called it. She wasn’t leading him on per se but Kathryn could tell Marshall self absorbed mind led him to believe she was interested. Now was her chance. 

“Marshall,” said Kathryn leaning toward him, “I’ve heard that you’re putting up roadblocks for some of former crew, why is that?” 

“Which former crew?” Marshall asked absentmindedly, as he gazed at her. 

“Mine from Voyager. It’s come to my attention that some are up for promotions but haven’t received any notice on when their promotion will be processed,” said Kathryn in a low voice, as if their conversation was a secret for just the two of them and Marshall fell for it, blinking slowly as if in a trance. 

“Not the Voyager crew. The Maquis you picked up along the side of the road,” said Marshall. 

Kathryn quickly checked her anger that flared up at Marshall insinuation that the former Maquis were anything less than valued members of her crew. 

“They were my crew as much as anyone else was on that ship and seven years…” Kathryn added and slid her hand up his arm and to his shoulder, “seven years is a long sentence to carry out. If there was anyone in the adminarlity who could do something about it, it would be you. After all, if Starfleet put you in charge of the rebuilding efforts here on Earth, then you certainly know how to get things done.” 

Flattered Marshall made her sick to her stomach. She could almost picture Chakotay's disapproving frown if he saw her with him. Just as he was so cautiously angry when Kashyk was on board Voyager. 

Marshall frowned a little, “I suppose you’re right. It wasn’t like they were unsupervised. You did a hell a job wrangling them in.” 

Kathryn flashed him a radiant smile and Marshall shrugged smugly. 

“I guess, I could withdraw my concerns. If you vouch for them,” said Marshall. 

“Oh, I do. With my life,” said Kathryn, “In fact...there’s Admiral Fitzgerald now, why don’t we tell him the good news.” 

Kathryn stood before Marshall could protest. She grabbed his hand and led him away from the table. Marshall dutifully followed looking a little taken aback. Kathryn rushed over to Fitzgerald and announced Marshall’s change or heart. The old admiral paused mid drink to look at her. 

“Oh?” Fitzgerald said, raising an eyebrow, “Finally came to your senses did you? Starfleet needs experience people, now more than ever. The crew of Voyager,” he said raising his glass to Kathryn in recognition of her efforts as Captain. 

“It was Admiral Janeway who changed my mind,” said Marshall and he slipped an arm around Kathryn’s waist.   
Kathryn could not stop the cringe she felt and it must have shown on her face. Fitzgerald frowned. 

“Keep your hands to yourself,” he growled at Marshall who looked at him startled but dropped his hand away from Kathryn’s waist all the same. 

Fitzgerald gave Kathryn a long searching look before he turned to Marshall. 

“Admiral Janeway has done a remarkable thing - returning from the Delta quadrant with an integrated crew. She’s a treasure and you..” said Fitzgerald, pointing a finger at Marshall’s chest, “you need to remember that.” 

Marshall chuckled apprehensively but Fitzgerald ignored him. 

“I’ll process the promotions right away. Rest assured, Admiral Janeway, I’ll be sure to get things done for all of your crew,” said Fitzgerald gruffly. He shot Marshall an annoyed looked and bustled away. 

Kathryn turned to Marshall, “Well, he’s efficient.” She smiled, she had won and Marshall looked as if he had been hit in the head with a rock. Dumbfounded. Clearly the man had no idea how to handle the unstoppable force of a Starfleet captain on a mission. She almost felt sorry for him. Kathryn’s mood was considerably lighter for the rest of the evening. She enjoyed the speaking and was even more satisfied that Marshall did not attempt to put his arm around her again. Kathryn vowed to track down Admiral Fitzgerald and thank him. She liked the older man more. 

The speaker for dinner was lively and Kathryn actually found her topic of cultural cooperation and inclusion quite intriguing. There were several species who attended the dinner that Kathryn did not recognize at first. She had to think back to the numerous reports that she had to catch up on to remember that they were civilizations that joined the Federation recently while she was away. One Evoran man, or Kathryn assigned him a male pronoun based on her own cultural experiences, joined her at the table and decidedly pulled her attention away from Marshall. The Evoran was a very interesting person. He spoke of the historical sites of his planet and how seeing some of the one on Earth, it sparked a curiosity for him to explore more. 

He laughed, “You can imagine by shock when we Evoran’s found out we were not alone in the galaxy. But seeing all the history Earth has and Vulcan….my favorite are the Denobulans.” 

“I suspected the humans who encountered the Vulcans had a similar reaction,” said Kathryn.

The Evoran was short and his feet hung about a foot off the ground from where he sat next to her. He let his feet swing like a child and Kathryn thought it was the most endearing thing she had seen in a long time. She suspected that Chakotay would have liked to meet this man and discuss his culture on a anthropological side but as soon as she thought of him, Kathryn’s heart sank. If she saw him again…

“Have I said something wrong?” The Evoran man said. 

“No...no. I’m just tired,” replied Kathryn. 

Just then Marshall swooped in and leaned across her, “Then I better get you home.” 

Kathryn fought hard not to roll her eyes but the idea of heading home sounded perfect. She bid the Evoran man goodnight who smiled happily at her and beamed broadly as if imitating the Denobulan smile. Kathryn smiled back and allowed Marshall to escort her from the hall. When they arrived at her apartment door, Kathryn was ready for a relaxing good book before bed. She thought some poetry would be a good fit for her mood. Something melancholy, she thought. 

Marshall leaned against the wall next to her door. He bent his head forward and looked up at her in what Kathryn assumed was his attempt at a seduction look. The man really had a high opinion of himself. 

“How about I join you for a nightcap,” he said. 

Kathryn smiled sweetly, “No.” 

“And let the sparks that flew between us tonight die? I for one can’t stand the idea,” said Marshall. 

Kathryn leaned against the door blocking Marshall’s path to the handle. 

“I really am tired and should get to bed,” said Kathryn. 

Before Marshall could reply and familiar voice sounded in the hall behind them. A voice that made Kathryn’s heart leap and anger flare up inside at the same time. 

“Kathryn?” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn looked over Marshall’s shoulder and saw Chakotay standing before her. His jaw was set and frown lines appear on his face. Kathryn knew he didn’t like Marshall. He could tell ever since her mother tried to set Kathryn up with the other admiral, that Marshall was only looking for someone to increase his status. Kathryn saw through it too, of course and made it clear that she wasn’t interested in a man like that. Still, the small jealousy that Chakotay displayed was satisfying. They stared at each other. Their desire and anger were held in check within their eyes. 

“Chakotay,” Kathryn said. 

Marshall turned to look at him, “What are you doing here?” he asked. 

“I could ask you the same thing. Admiral Janeway clearly said no to you,” said Chakotay. His tone calm but Kathryn could see the Maquis warrior simmering beneath the surface. 

“Excuse me, but we were having a pleasant evening until just now,” said Marshall.   
Kathryn rolled her eyes. Now it was time to be rid of this man. 

“Actually, Marshall, I need to speak with Chakotay, so I’ll say goodnight,” said Kathryn. 

Marshall looked at her and then to Chakotay before he turned and left. He deliberately bumped Chakotay’s shoulder, who ignored the attempted display of dominance with the training of a Starfleet command officer. They waited until Marshall entered the lift at the end of the hall and the doors closed behind him before either of them really looked at each other. Chakotay’s face was still set and Kathryn was reminded of the knowledge that the man who stood before her, the man she loved, was leaving Earth - with another woman. Kathryn opened the door to her apartment wordlessly and stepped inside. Chakotay followed her, equally as silent. When they were inside her darkened apartment, Chakotay let the door close. It’s click indicating the lock was strangely louder in their shared icy quiet. 

“You brought him back to your apartment,” spat Chakotay. 

“He escorted me home,” Kathryn clarified. 

Chakotay looked away from her, as if too angry to make eye contact. 

“We attended the Starfleet Command Interspecies and Mingling Dinner or whatever it was called,” said Kathryn, feeling that she needed to explain but was also angry about doing it at the same time. 

Chakotay looked back at her and noticed as if for the first time the black silky dress she was wearing. She watched his eyes travel up and down her body and she enjoyed it. She enjoyed that it was him and not Marshall who was eyeing her that way now. Her body screamed at her to move forward and into his arms. Kathryn craved his touch but her heart had other plans. It was guarded, holding her body against the kitchen counter. She was too hurt and angry at him. 

“You’re leaving for Vulcan,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay looked at her in surprise, “I…how did you know about that?” 

Kathryn’s heart sank. It wasn’t a denial...it was true. He was leaving. 

“Does it matter? You’re leaving,” Kathryn said, it was her turn to look away. 

“You have to understand. I feel responsible...I...Seven needs guidance…”

“And what do you think I’ve been doing all these years. Are you her teacher now?” said Kathryn. 

She brushed away a tear. Damnit. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. Chakotay took a step forward.

“Don’t,” said Kathryn. 

“Kathryn, please,” said Chakotay. 

“No. Chakotay. You’re leaving. You chose this.” 

“I chose? This isn’t my fault. It isn’t like you’ve said no to us a thousand times. You’ve rejected me a thousand times, established parameters and the moment I….well, I need to do something…”

“I had to set those parameters. You said you understood,” Kathryn shot back. 

“Oh I understand,” said Chakotay, stepping up to her, “You set those parameters so you can spend time with people you consider worthy. People like Admiral Stark.” 

“I don’t…” started Kathryn but Chakotay’s lips closed on hers and Kathryn suddenly found her body pressed to the edge of the kitchen counter. 

Her hands immediately went to his head. She held him as she kissed him back. It was the same passionate angry kiss as it was at the Welcome Home celebration. One of desperation and desire. Chakotay’s hands ran over her body. The silk of her dress bunch up in places where his fingers gripped her. Kathryn sighed into his mouth. When she finally pulled away to breath, Chakotay immediately assaulted her neck with strong kisses, ones that would leave a mark but she didn’t care. Kathryn’s heart still screamed no but her body chanted yes! She was still so angry with him. Her hands went to the hem of his shirt. It was something new that she hadn't seen before. She pulled it over his head. Chakotay pulled away long enough for his arms to release the shirt to the floor. Chakotay backed her up against the kitchen counter, the edge dug into her lower back but Kathryn didn’t care. 

“You are so gorgeous,” said Chakotay. 

He let his hands roam all over her body. They covered her breasts and his fingers kneaded them.   
Kathryn kissed him in reply. She didn’t want to talk now. If he spoke, her anger would slowly seep away and she needed her anger. It was the only thing that stopped her from crying. She was so conflicted. She loved this man and yet now, she was so hurt by him. Her hands scratched at his bare skin as she ran her nails up his chest. Chakotay didn’t seem to care on bit. If his urgent kisses were any indication, he was egged on by the pain. Kathryn pushed him back aggressively. She could see how aroused he was by the bulge in his dark trousers. She glared at him. His lips looking a little more pouty than normal from their kisses. Chakotay stared at her. His eyes dark and guarded and Kathryn could see he was just as angry. She didn’t want to send him away. She wanted to keep him here in her apartment forever but she knew this was it. Their last night. They were saying goodbye. Tears welled up in her eyes and Chakotay rushed toward her. He pulled her into his arms, his lips crashing into hers. She felt his own tears and without a word. She dragged him back to the bedroom. 

They tugged at each other’s clothing, practically ripping it off each other as their desperation grew. Kathryn needed to feel every inch of his skin. She needed to remember every part of him. Chakotay pulled her underwear and bra from her and rolled on top of her. Kathryn wrapped him completely in her limbs. Her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Her arms around his shoulders. She gasped when Chakotay pushed into her. The roughness didn’t bother her. Kathryn dug her nails into his shoulders. She was sure she would leave scratch marks. The only sounds were from their frantic cries, desperate groans and the connection of their bodies in their heated coupling. Chakotay moved faster and faster. Their hips moving in tandem. His cock plunging in and out of her with long powerful strokes Kathryn was sure she would never forget that feeling. Their movements were so passionate, the headboard began to slam into the wall behind it. Their cries grew louder, gruntal moans and whimpers of pleasure filled Kathryn’s bedroom. Kathryn couldn’t decide where to touch Chakotay. Her hands clung to his biceps, nails leaving crescent marks into his skin, then moved to his shoulders and she clung on for dear life as Chakotay thrust powerfully into her. His body was straining with the effort. His forearms were shaking as he held himself up, his hips lost all semblance of finesse as they slammed into her. This was primal, this was pure passionate. This was goodbye. Kathryn let her tears fall again but as they did her body when taught and she arched up. Her orgasm ripped through her body. She cried out in sad ecstasy. Chakotay buried his head in her neck and came a her second later. His groan sent a shiver down her spine. He collapsed on top of her. Kathryn’s legs fell to the bed, her hips still cradling Chakotay’s. Their sweaty bodies sticking to each other but Kathryn had no intention of letting him go any time soon. 

When Chakotay finally did move, he rolled them onto their side and spooned up behind her. Apparently he didn’t want to lost their physical connection either. His arm came around her. He snuggled up behind her, his breath tickling her neck. Neither of them said a word. They lay in silence and Kathryn stared at the wall across from her as Chakotay fell asleep with a hand on her breast. Kathryn lay awake. She was relaxed but her mind raced. She hated this moment. Hated that eventually she would feel Chakotay get up from her bed. She would hear him get dressed and leave her apartment. She dreaded the sound of the click of her apartment door. She didn’t know how long she lay there. Sleep eluded her and the moment she dreaded arrived. Kathryn felt Chakotay move behind her. She didn’t roll over, in fact she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep. Chakotay’s hand left her breast and caressed her rib cage and stomach, down to her hip and back up. He leaned over and kissed her check, then her shoulder. He let his lips rest there. Then she heard him. 

“I love you,” he said into the darkness, “I only wish you felt the same.” 

Kathryn’s eyes slipped open. 

Then Chakotay got up from the bed, got dressed and Kathryn heard her apartment door close. Tears welled up in her eyes. Then her chest tightened and she sobbed into the pillow. Her cries being swallowed in her dark lonely apartment.


	17. Chapter 17

One week later

Kathryn sat in her office at Starfleet Command. The sun was starting to set and it cast everything in a dark golden glow through her large office window. She had been working late every night since Chakotay left for Vulcan. She didn’t want to return to her apartment unless absolutely necessary. The memories of her movement spent with Chakotay were still too raw and seem to tear new holes in her heart each time she thought of them. Kathryn knew with time, she would be able to think back without the uncomfortable clutch in her chest. She got over the death of her first fiancé, Justin and the loss of Mark when Voyager was stranded in the Delta quadrant. She would get over Chakotay too. Her heart didn’t quite believe it. What she had with Chakotay was much more intense, much more intimate and bonding than anything else she experienced in her life she wasn’t sure if it was possible to get over it but she kept reminded herself she would. She dove into her work, as she always did to hide from her feelings. Tonight she had just finished a report on new colonization efforts in the Gamma quadrant when a new message appeared on her desktop console.

_Notification of newly promoted officers._

Kathryn open the message and glanced through it. Several former Voyager crew members names were listed. Including the former Maquis, for those who wished to rejoin or join Starfleet upon Voyager’s return. Harry Kim’s name was listed with a two step promotion. Rightly deserved, Kathryn thought. Tom was promoted as well as B’Elanna. Finally Kathryn came across the name she both dreaded seeing but craved at the same time.

_Chakotay._

_Promoted to captain._

As much as it hurt to see Chakotay’s name Kathryn smiled. Her plan had worked. Chakotay was promoted just as he should have been as soon as she was. It may have been a little late in the game but it was there. Then her eyes caught sight of something else by his name.

_Status: Leave of Absence._

So he hadn’t resigned when he left for Vulcan. Perhaps there was a chance he would return to the Academy. Kathryn secretly hoped so but after a second knew it was wishful thinking. Chakotay had made his choice. Kathryn closed the message. She glanced at the console chronometer. It was getting late and as much as she now dreaded the loneliness of her apartment, she couldn’t sleep in her officer. Decan would not allow her. She tried. Kathryn signed off from her desk console and stood from her desk. Decan had gone home hours ago on her orders. So she closed and locked her office door and the outer office door when she entered the corridor. The halls of Starfleet Command were bare at this late in the evening. Night shift crewmen was arriving as the admiralty left for the day, security officers chatted with each other before they left their posts.

Kathryn stepped onto an empty lift and rode it down to the lobby. She was just about out the door when Admiral Paris shouted her name behind her.

“Kathryn,” he called.

Kathryn turned, relieved at the distraction that prevented her from going home.

“I was just about to come see you,” said Owen Paris, “Your aide said you’ve been working late recently.”

“Yes, I’ve been busy,” said Kathryn.

Owen nodded, “Of course. Well, I wanted to let you know. Voyager’s refit was just completed and before she’s officially listed back on active duty, Starfleet Command, not to mention the Federation News Service, thought it would be nice for people to tour the ship for a time. It’ll be on the grounds of the Presidio and they’ll be an unveiling ceremony with the Voyager senior staff. We’d like you to be there.”

“Oh, well…” Kathryn wasn't sure she liked the idea of visit Voyager when she was a museum. That ship deserved to be back in space, “With all the refits, she’ll hardly be the same ship that brought us home.”

Kathryn didn’t really believe the words she was saying.

“Oh we kept her bones, Kathryn, she’s still the same,” assured Owen, “It won’t be long, a quick speech and you’ll see the senior staff again. I know Tom is looking forward to it.”

Kathryn did not appreciate the way Owen could guilt her into seeing her beloved crew. Of course she would go but she was concerned about seeing Chakotay and Seven. Would they even come?

“Alright,” Kathryn agreed, “but on one condition.”

Owen smiled happily, “Name it.”

“You keep Admiral Stark away from me. I can’t stand that man.” Owen looked at her in surprise but smiled and nodded all the same, “I’ll tell Tom you’re planning on attending. He’ll spread the word, I’m sure.”

“I’m sure,” said Kathryn and watched Owen turn back and head toward the turbolifts.


	18. Chapter 18

Kathryn sighed. She longed to see Voyager again but not under these circumstances. Not when she didn’t feel like celebrating or could fully enjoy the feeling of walking the corridors again and seeing her ready room. She was ready to call up her sister and escape to the Janeway family cabin at Lake George. At the thought of her sister, Kathryn turned on her heel at left Starfleet Headquarters. She took a tram to a transporter station and beamed to Indiana where Phoebe was staying with their mother. When Kathryn materialized on the front lawn of the Janeway homestead, she burst into tears. She needed to tell someone, she needed her mother to console her, for Phoebe to colorfully eviscerate Chakotay with words, she needed family. Kathryn ran up to the front door. It was open, allowing the cool night air to breeze through the screen door and into the house.. When the screen door slammed behind her Kathryn heard her mother’s voice from inside. 

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Mom,” Kathryn said her voice not sounding at all like her own. 

Gretchen Janeway rounded a corner and saw her daughter standing in the front entrance foyer. Kathryn let her tears fall and her mother moved toward her and enveloped Kathryn in her arms. 

“What’s going on?” called Phoebe and she too entered the foyer and joined in on the hug. 

Phoebe’s question went unanswered and the three Janeway women stood hugging each other. Kathryn let out all her frustration, heartbreak, and sadness into the hug. Her mother rubbed her back as if she was a child again and Phoebe did not offer any humorous interjections. Eventually they moved into the living room. Her mother made them cups of tea and Kathryn told them everything. From the Welcome Home Celebration to the secret liaisons. 

“And then he told me he loved me but he thinks I don’t feel the same and I do. I really do,” Kathryn said sniffling, “I feel like such a child. Why couldn’t I just tell the man I love how I feel.” 

Her mother and sister looked at her sympathetically. 

“Because love is complicated,” her mother said as if it were an answer to simple math equation. 

Kathryn let out a short laugh and leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder. Gretchen wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Kathryn realized just how much she needed her mother and sister in that moment. For seven years she had Chakotay and occasionally Tuvok as a confidant but with both of them far away, it was nice to have a supportive person, or in her case two, that she could trust. 

“You know what this means…” said Phoebe, “we just have to go to Vulcan and kick his ass.” 

All three of them laughed. Kathryn laughed until tears sprung up in her eyes but these weren’t sad tears. She reached over and pulled her baby sister to her in a sideways hug. 

“I’ve missed you,” said Kathryn finally feeling a little better. 

The night of the Voyager unveiling Kathryn tried to hone her mind on her speech. She spent the past few days at her mother’s and was constantly accosted her and her sister to listen to the speech in its entirety until it was perfect. Despite this, her mother and sister both agreed to accompany here to the ceremony. 

“It would be nice to see the ship that carried my daughter home,” said Gretchen. 

“She’s remarkable, I assure you,” said Kathryn with a smile as they made their way to transporter station. 

“Why are Starfleet offices so attached to their ships?” asked Phoebe, “It’s a hunk of metal welded together.”

“Starfleet captains are worse. Voyager was like a child. I love her and she loved all of us...in a sense,” Kathryn shrugged. She knew full well her mother nor her sister would understand the love a captain had for her ship. And Voyager was special. 

They arrived at the transporter station. Kathryn dressed in her admiral’s uniform and her mother and sister in fancy dress. The technician did not expect to see a Starfleet Admiral and leapt to her feet when Kathryn entered. Kathryn smile at the crewman who stared back and stammered with nervous when she asked for their destination. 

“Presidio,” Kathryn said, doing her best to sound kind and putting the crewman at ease. It didn’t work. The crewman’s hands shook as she entered in the coordinates. 

“Quite the presence you make,” teased Phoebe. 

“Oh no, it’s not me. It’s mom,” said Kathryn. 

“I did nothing,” said her mother as they waited for the technician to be ready.

“You’re just a serious math professor, you have no nonsense written all over you,” said Phoebe. 

“And that can be quite intimidating,” agreed Kathryn. 

“Would you two stop,” said Gretchen. 

Kathryn and Phoebe laughed. 

“Ready Admiral,” said the tentative voice of the nervous technician. 

“Energize,” said Kathryn through her laughter.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chapter where you can listen to "The Captain from 'Year of Hell Parts 1 & 2'" from the Voyager soundtrack (released by La La Land Records) for that extra layer of angst feels while reading.

The three Janeway women were beamed away and arrived at the Presidio grounds still laughing. Kathryn linked arms with her mother and the three of them walked past two Starfleet security officers acting as bouncers and up Voyager’s extended ramp. The ship was filled with Starfleet diplomats, high ranking officers, and press from the Federation News Service. Kathryn felt strange walking the halls of Voyager without her crew. She was greeted by many as she lead her family through the crowd. Kathryn smiled and nodded, waved and called out greetings in return. It was all a little too much hero worship for her. When the crowd broke, she hurried her mother and sister into a turoblift and ordered it to the bridge. Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the wall. She closed her eyes for a moment.   
“Looks like a lot of people are here to see you,” said Gretchen. 

“Hero worship, it will die down soon enough,” said Kathryn. 

“Not unless you turn into a legend like Kirk. Everyone knows Kirk,” said Phoebe. 

“That’s the last thing I want,” said Kathryn. 

Gretchen rubbed Kathryn’s arm in kind reassurance as the turbolift slowed. The doors open to a much quieter scene. The Voyager senior staff were gathered on the bridge. None of them were at their stations that they had occupied for seven years. It was a strange sight but Kathryn was pleased to see them all the same. Tuvok was stood next to Seven. He looked much better than when she last saw him. Whatever treatment his son had helped him with, seemed to do its trick and Tuvok’s mental state seemed sharper. Seven looked statically at Kathryn and her family. Her young face giving a blank expression of curiosity. Seeing Seven again so soon caused Kathryn’s heart of constrict with confused emotions. She was pleased to see her young pupils and friend but was also hurt and a horrible sense of inadequacy coursed through her. Kathryn quicken quashed the feeling and beamed at the remainder of her crew. Harry, Tom and the Doctor all smiled at her, delight on their faces. B’Elanna stood a ways back, Miral in one arm and Chakotay decided avoiding her gaze behind her.   
Kathryn looked away from him. 

“It’s a pleasure to see all of you,” she said, “This is my mother Gretchen and my sister Phoebe. I invited them to join me this evening.” 

Her beloved crew welcomed her family with the same warmth and delight they showed her. Kathryn was pleased. 

“It’s nice seeing her again,” said Harry looking around at the bridge. 

“Nothing’s changed,” said B’Elanna. 

“Don’t worry B’Elanna, I’m sure my Dad would ask you before altering the ship too much,” joked Tom.   
The crew laughed and Kathryn ran her hand along the top of the security station console. 

“I think I’ll check out my ready room for a moment,” said Kathryn and she left the bridge. If her crew thought it was unexpected they didn’t show it. Kathryn walked into the familiar space and found that her heart ached for it. She liked this office. The desk set up worked well for her and the couch was inviting. She smiled as she looked around. She loved this ship. The doors behind her opened and Kathryn turned. 

Chakotay entered looking at her with a mixture of apprehension and sadness in his eyes. 

“Kathryn we need to talk,” he said. 

“Not now, Chakotay,” Kathryn responded quickly, not wanting her mood to be spoiled by her unpleasant personal feelings and intense memories. She moved to walk past him and exit to the bridge. He grabbed her arm gently.

“Please Kathryn,” said Chakotay, his voice breaking a little. 

“Not now,” said Kathryn. 

He let go of her arm and Kathryn exited the ready room. The crew had meandered around the bridge, moving from station of station. Tom glanced over the conn console as if to make sure all the buttons were in the right place. As Kathryn approached the center she saw her captain’s chair. Empty now and the first officer’s seat right next to it. Chakotay’s chair. She walked over to it and sat down slowly. It felt like an old habit as she leaned back and looked out at the conn ahead of her. She looked over at Chakotay’s chair, empty now and with a pang Kathryn almost reached out to touch the space. Before she could do so, Phoebe sat next to her. Kathryn leaned back. The shock of seeing someone other than Chakotay looking back at her from that seat felt wrong.

It must have shown on her face because Phoebe asked, “What’s wrong?”

Kathryn stood up abruptly, “I think it’s time to get this ceremony started.” 

She stole a quick glance at Chakotay who merely looked dejected. He stood in front of the engineering station with his hands behind his back. No sooner had she looked to Tom to ask him to call his father did Owen arrived on the bridge. Members of the press followed him. Admiral Fitzgerald and another Admiral named Amanda Harrelson, entered the bridge from the other side. Owen smiled broadly and walked down to the lower level. He stood next to Kathryn. 

“Ready?” Admiral Paris asked. 

“As I’ll ever be,” said Kathryn with a shrug. 

“If you would stand facing the view screen,” said Admiral Paris, “We’ll broadcast this to the rest of ship. I’m afraid the bridge is too small to hold everyone who wanted to attend.”

Kathryn moved to stand more centered in front of her chair. She noticed Chakotay walk around the back of the bridge, avoiding the gaggle of the press and silently come to stand next to her in front of his chair. Phoebe eyed him sideways but moved aside and joined her mother along the side of the bridge that led to the conference room. Kathryn looked at her hands for a moment, her heart raced from Chakotay’s proximity. As much as she was hurt and angry with him, having him by her side in this moment, was right and she was glad he was there. She took a deep breath and nodded to Owen. 

Owen smiled, called for a ship wide announcement and the familiar boatswain whistle sounded. The senior officers fell silent and looked to their captain. The press pointed lights and holocamera and recording devices at her and waited. 

“This is Kathryn Janeway,” Kathryn started, “We’re gathered here tonight to celebrate not only this wonderful ship, Voyager...but her crew and the journey it took us on. Our seven years in the Delta quadrant was unexpected yet exceptionally rewarding. A journey home filled with new discoveries, new friends, and and all because of this ship,” Kathryn cast her arms wide to indicate the bridge.

“Voyager brought us together as a family. Through good times,” she paused and looked to Tom and B’Elanna, “and some tragedies…” her voice broke as the memories of those crewmembers she lost along the way flashed in her mind. She felt a hand on her shoulder and knew it was Chakotay’s before looking. 

She looked into his soft warm dark eyes, “There’s something magical that happens to a crew working on one common goal for so long. A sense of family, of purpose, and belonging. For some of us, it was a difficulty journey, while for others it was what they signed up for. No matter what the path, we knew one thing. Voyager would bring us home.” 

It wasn’t quite the speech that she had recited to her mother and sister but it felt right in the moment. Kathryn smiled and looked to Admiral Paris. He and the senior staff began to clap. The broadcast was ended and Kathryn let out a sigh of relief. It was over. Voyager would sit not he grounds of the Presidio for all the public to see until it was time for her to rejoin the commissioned ships. It was a nice send off, albeit sad. 

“Well, If we’ll all head out the cargo bays on the lower decks, there are refreshments and a small party waiting for us,” said Owen. 

He led the way and the rest of the bridge occupants followed. The cargo bays and surrounding corridors were crowded and loud and Kathryn weaved her way through the crowd along with the rest of the senior staff. After what seemed like hours of hand shaking, idle conversation and the answering the same questions over and over, Kathryn found an escape route and walked down the ramp to the grounds outside. She walked a ways away, letting the darkness surround her. She looked up to the stars and wondered when she’d be going back. She let tears fall and she brushed them away. It seemed like all she did was cry lately. 

She heard his footsteps before he spoke but Kathryn didn't turn around. 

“Kathryn,” said Chakotay. 

He didn’t come to stand next to her. Instead he waited for her to turn. To give her time to compose herself. When she did finally turn around, Kathryn didn’t feel anger or sadness. She just felt tired. She waited for Chakotay to speak. He looked at her with sad, tortured eyes and Kathryn knew he was putting up a front earlier just as she had on the bridge. 

“My promotion,” said Chakotay “that was you, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” Kathryn said. Not sure if her voice would fail her. A small smile flashed briefly across her face as she reveled in the success of her mission. 

Silence filled the air between them. The cool breeze from the coast line swirled around them, causing Kathryn hair to blow gently with the wind. Kathryn wished for the conversation to end as much as she wanted to be in Chakotay’s presence. It was so painfully, torturously, wonderful all at the same time. 

“I never should had gone to Vulcan,” said Chakotay his voice wavering, “I’m so sorry.” 

“You made a choice,” Kathryn shrugged. 

Chakotay took a step toward her. 

“It was the wrong one,” he said, “Kathryn please, I’m so sorry. Once I got there, I knew I made a mistake. I knew I should have said something earlier.” 

“And how does Seven feel about all this? As her teacher now, did you explain…” said Kathryn. 

“Seven was the one who noticed how miserable I was,” said Chakotay, shaking his head, “I never should have left.” 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” 

The both looked away. The pain of their separation too difficult to maintain eye contact without breaking their strong exteriors. 

“Seven and I left Vulcan for the ceremony tonight with the understanding that we are better off as friends. That my true companion is you. Please, Kathryn...forgive me. These past few months with you has been the most complete I’ve ever felt. I...I love you,” said Chakotay. 

The shell around Kathryn’s heart and the tight reign she had on her emotions cracked. Her eyes welled up with tears. She waited for so long for this moment. She waited too long to finally express how she felt. Saying the words in the dark while Chakotay wasn’t awake to hear them didn’t count. His words to her when he thought she was asleep didn’t count. Now, in this moment was where the truth had to be laid bare. 

“I love you too,” she said. She looked directly into Chakotay’s eyes so he knew she meant every word. 

Chakotay moved toward her. They embraced in a powerful hug. Chakotay’s arms wrapped tightly around her, one around her shoulders, his hand in her hair. 

“I missed you,” Kathryn said. 

“Me too,” said Chakotay with his face buried in her neck. 

“I want to be clear,” said Kathryn, pulling back to look at him, “I want to explore a relationship between us. A real relationship. Long-term.” 

“Nothing would make me happier,” said Chakotay. 

“Then kiss me,” ordered Kathryn with a half smile.

Chakotay leaned in low and pressed his lips to hers. The quiet sounds of the crashing waves and the distant sound of the party goers seemed far away as the former captain of Voyager and her first officer shared a passionate embrace in the moonlight. Kathryn wrapped her arms around Chakotay’s neck and he wrapped his around her waist and they stayed that way. Voyager stood sentinel behind them. It was the crucible from which their love was forged. They began their journey toward each other on it and Kathryn thought for a fleeting second, it was the perfect setting for the start of another one.


End file.
